Regular horoscopes are boring as fuck and usually inaccurate. We're here to mix it up with our resident Betchy astrologist by letting you know what kind of shit is in store for you this week. I'd say there's a 75% chance it involves being blackout for all signs. The stars always align for betches.
Man buns, impregnating women by merely glancing at them, and six packs. All are characteristics that both Jesus Christ and Jared Leto share. This makes totes sense since they are both Capricorns. Let’s be honest here, the only difference between a crucifix and a shirtless Leto poster is the enormous fucking bulge.
Like these two, a betch has cults dedicated to celebrating her existence. This week, do as they would do and, to quote the Bible, “Fuck betches, get money” Corinthians, 4:20.
Supposedly Aquarius is the sign of genius. Naturally, all betches are genius, but congratulations, you’re an epic bitch. You probably have the IQ of Steven Hawkins and the beauty of Angelina Jolie. Do as Kimye would, and sit back and enjoy being celebrated for merely existing.
Unfortunately, you share your zodiac sign with Ke$ha and the Biebs. But look at the bright side, these fellow Pisceans are proof that you can have zero legitimate talent, make atrocious fashion choices, and claim you fuck ghosts in your sleep while still straight up killing the game and banging former Disney stars. You go Glen Coco.
Aries tend to overreact or behave erratically. Seriously though, its NOT your fault that the Starbucks barista gave you SKIM instead of SOY for the second time this week. She totally deserved to be publically fired. Or like, “WTF, THIS IS ROMAINE NOT KALE. A FIELD MOUSE COULD MAKE A BETTER FUCKING SALAD THAN THIS” was a legitimate reaction to the waiter at Cipriani who had absolutely nothing to do with the making of your completely wrong salad. Next time you feel like you are about to pull a Kanye, close your eyes and remind yourself that you’re still skinnier and prettier than everyone you’ve ever met. If you still feel the need to go Naomi Campbell on the bag boy at Whole Foods when he gives you paper over plastic, talk to your doctor about upping your Xanax dose…again.
You’re considered to be a very “earthy” sign. EL OH EL. Earthy to a betch, is like 20/20 vision to Stevie Wonder, it's just not in the cards for (either of) us. However, it’s time to embrace your earthiness…do a juice cleanse, tell people you’re vegan, or have sex with the man bun from your 5 pm yoga class while rocking a side braid. If you’re feeling super hipster, maybe even make your screensaver a picture of Brooklyn or Lena Dunham.
Elle and Bruiser Woods are both Gemini Vegetarians. Being so well-rounded, you’re feeling very philanthropic this week, so throw a basic a bone and rip up her Ann Taylor coupon when she’s busy trying to get the pumpkin spice latte stain out of her J. Crew flannel or accidently spill your non-fat macchiato on her off white Uggs. She will thank you later.
Ariana Grande is a Cancer, which is ironic because like the actual illness of cancer, Ariana Grande also wants you to fucking die. Maybe you’re just having a bad week, month, or in Grande’s instance, a bad career/hair day. Regardless, a betch always rises above. Pop a Xanax, poor a glass of champs, and be thankful that you’re not the tacky, boxed blonde, white trash gremlin that your unemployed, ex-boyfriend is dating.
Leos are more prideful than the average betch. You would rather waterboard yourself with bleach than admit to any wrongdoing. This can come across as being arrogant, but like WGAF. In the words of Queen Bey, “some call it arrogant, I call it confident.” If you’re fighting with your gay BFF, besties, or substitute BF this week try shifting attention from your wrongdoing by complimenting their eyebrows or instagramming a pic of you two to your thousands of followers.
Since you just had your birthday, you’re probs super busy sorting through numerous “Happy Birthday beautiful!” messages from pros, wannabes and exes, returning the hideous angora sweater from your Aunt Mary, or maybe you’re just too faint to have feelings due to the liquid diet you’ve been on since you turned another year older… “New Year, New Me! Health diet starts NOW!” Regardless, just be happy that you’ve made it another year without a venereal disease, a child, or looking like your ex-boyfriends new girlfriend.
Happy Mother-effing Birthday you sexy betch. Right now, millions across the world are celebrating the fact that your father’s pedigree sperm chose the sexiest egg your mom’s supermodel uterus had to offer, ultimately creating a creature as perfect and rare as a unicorn with a 50 ct. Harry Winston horn and platinum Cartier hooves…YOU.
Scorpios are the most sexual sign of the zodiac, so congratulations on having the sexiest Whore-oscope in the game. Scientists have singlehandedly deemed Scorpios as the number one cure for erectile dysfunction. You’re feeling generous this week, so try giving one of your several back burner bros a shot. Let him take you out to an overpriced dinner and shower you with compliments, it will make his life. Being charitable without the incentive of a tax deduction or possibility of landing on Page Six basically makes you Mother-fucking Theresa, so be proud of yourself.
According to the Gods, and every kitschy horoscope website ever created, Sagittarius’s are young at heart. In other words, you’re medically, scientifically, and physically incapable of growing up. So congratulations, you can blame your alcoholism and inability to maintain a serious job on the fact that your Dad just HAD to knock your mom up when the planets were all flipping the fuck out.