Sure they birthed you, clothed you, fed you, paid for school and yoga classes and rehab, but they say “hook up” when they mean, “hang out”!! As in, “So, when are you hooking up with Chelsey?” Eww, mom!!
And that’s the point. Sure, I love and respect Mom and Dad. But I also can acknowledge the weird/funny things that only people born between 1955 and 1965 do (If you’re 18+ and your parents are younger than that, I’m sorry that your mom is Drew Barrymore from Riding in Cars with Boys). Let’s take a look at the people who were savvy enough to raise us, but not enough to learn the goddamn navigation system.
Facebook has been around long enough that most of our parents have managed to get an account. However, their various interpretations of what is Facebook-appropriate never ceases to amaze. Here are a few of my favorite foibles:
1. The Slut Celebrator – I love the moms that become Kris Jenner on Facebook. Her daughter just posted a selfie shoving her tits/ass in the camera, and there’s mom cheering her on: “SO PRETTY XOXO!!!” “LOOKING GREAT <3!”
I guess your parents gotta be proud of you for something, and winning that Nobel Prize seemed a tad out of reach this year.
2. Formal Fred – You just posted some inane comment about last night’s Girls, to which you receive an incredibly off-topic, ultra-punctuated memorandum: “Hi Jessica! Looks like all is well, ha-ha! Can’t wait to celebrate over the holidays, LOL! Love, Dad.” WHY ARE YOU SIGNING YOUR COMMENT? I KNOW WHO YOU ARE, GODDAMNIT! I! KNOW! WHO! YOU! ARE! I liken the parental Facebook formal style of writing to when I would try to get 100 on my Spanish quiz, throwing eñes everywhere for good measure. It didn’t work then and doesn’t now.
3. Straight-Up Illiterate – My personal favorite. The gold standard of the parental FB game. Writing on their own walls, sending private messages publicly. Fucking Googling in the search bar, God bless you. You don’t see these too often anymore, but when you do it’s gold. My Dad once downloaded some Facebook virus called like, “Baby Animal of the Day” and every day I’d catch him on the news feed, commenting “Cute Picture” to the virus. Sure I don’t know how to pay my taxes but come on, Dad!!
“Heating It Up”
Okay, this one is super-specific and probably does not apply to you. But anytime I mention it to someone who’s experienced it, they break down in tears and laughter like I’m the Long Island Medium channeling their dead grandma.
So literally anytime I’ve eaten cold pizza or cold Chinese food (aka the two best formerly hot foods known to man) my Dad will lean it, examine and say: Don’t you want to heat that up?
NO I FUCKING DON’T, DAD! IF I DID, I WOULD HAVE! I’M FAMILIAR WITH THE CONCEPT OF HOT FOOD!
I don’t know if cold pizza/Chinese food didn’t exist when they were growing up, or if the advent of the microwave was too huge of a deal, but for some reason my parents don’t get the concept of delicious cold leftovers. Everybody on the planet knows that cold General Tso’s is better than oily, coagulated, re-heated General Tso’s except for David and Adrienne. My favorite is when my Mom wraps up our uneaten pizza in aluminum foil and puts it in the freezer like someone is every gonna defrost that fucker.
Classic Parent Names
Glen, Howie, Neil, Barry. Denise, Lisa, Linda. Debbie.
So many Debbies! There’s a 3% chance your mom’s name is Jenna but there’s a 75% she’s a Deb. Love it.
I like how parents still pretend not to know what rap music is. It’s been around for 40 years, dominates the radio/Duane Reade speaker systems in some form or another (I’m counting Flo-Rida/Pitbull/Miley Cyrus, why not?) and yet Mom and Dad refuse to join in. Oh sure, they’ll sing a chorus, they love a good chorus:
IN NEW YORKKKKK, CONCRETE JUNGLE WHERE DREAMS ARE MADE OF!!
But once that verse hits, it’s over. They go back to talking about cholesterol medication and credit card reward points. Just acknowledge it! I hate EDM but it’s not like I don’t know every word to “Wake Me Up”. I exist in this world. Glen and Neil and Lisa and Linda just play by their own rules. Gotta respect it.
BTW, if you’re sitting here thinking “my parents don’t do any of this stuff, they’re great with technology and love rap music and take Molly” then they’re trying too hard and not embracing their old-person awesomeness. Got any other hilarious parental behaviors you want to share? Leave them in the comments section and follow me on twitter!
The Social Assasin is a bro who currently lives in NYC. His idol is Larry David and his favorite order at Starbucks is one of those vanilla bullshit things. Follow him on Twitter.