The Last Final Girl: How Danielle Harris Survived The Transition From Child Star To Scream Queen

Dimension Films


Annie Brackett was never supposed to make it out the front door in Rob Zombie’s 2007 reboot of Halloween. But Zombie hadn’t counted on Danielle Harris’ escape skills.

“[Michael Myers, the killer] didn’t get me fast enough,” says Harris. “So I actually ran out the front door while we were rolling. And I got down, and then he ran and grabbed me. Rob was like, ‘That’s fucking great. Put cameras across the street.’”

It’s no surprise that the 36-year-old Harris has a unique familiarity with narrow escapes and death scenes. When Harris took on the role of Annie, she was no stranger to the slasher film — or even the Halloween series. At the age of 10, she played young Jamie Lloyd, Michael Myers’ niece, in 1988’s Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers and the following year’s Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers. So by the time she filmed the Halloween reboot, she knew she couldn’t be the traditional passive victim. And she was clear about that with Tyler Mane, the man who played Michael Myers.

“I told Tyler, ‘You better get me,’” she recalls. “‘I’m not gonna be slowly running to the kitchen to do the scene. I’m gonna go. I’m not gonna be the girl that runs upstairs when the front door’s right there.’”

After the impromptu leap out the front door, which was incorporated into the final cut of the film, Annie and Michael face off against each other.

Harris continues, “I told Tyler, ‘You need to put on pads. I’m the sheriff’s daughter. I’m going to kick your ass. I’m going to fight you off me, so good luck.’ And he was like, ‘All right, all right, all right.’ And then I just went for him, kicking his shins and punching him and beating him up, and he was like, ‘Holy shit! I actually need pads.’ And I was like, ‘Yeah. Of course you do.’”

But kicking ass comes at a price: For every showdown with a masked killer, there’s a recovery period where Harris has to nurse her wounds — both physical and psychological. And now, Danielle Harris is reckoning with whether it’s time to retire as the industry’s ultimate Final Girl.

Covered in blood, only some of it hers, in Hatchet III. Dark Sky Films

The “Final Girl” is a term created by film theorist Carol Clover in her iconic 1992 book Men, Women, and Chain Saws: Gender in the Modern Horror Film. According to Clover, the Final Girl is the one character who survives to tell the story, serving as the audience’s point of identification in a slasher film.

The original Final Girl — think Jamie Lee Curtis’ Laurie Strode in the first Halloween — was simply designed to survive. But Harris is part of the new model, where the Final Girl kicks a lot more ass along the way.

“There was something about horror where the Final Girl was kind of just there to survive,” Harris notes. “It wasn’t as much about a journey of starting off one way and finding your strength and conquering as it is now. It was more like you’re kind of hot and had great boobs. They just wanted you to come back for the next one.”

In Hatchet II and Hatchet III, for example, Harris’ Final Girl character Marybeth Dunston is a much more active participant than her genre predecessors. Overall, it’s a more demanding role than it used to be, because while the new Final Girl gets to fight back, she’s more brutalized by the killer than ever before. Laurie emerges from the original Halloween mostly unscathed; in Rob Zombie’s remake, she ends the film a broken, sobbing, bloody mess.

Harris’ Final Girls have followed suit.

“It was freakin’ exhausting fighting these giant guys and kind of having to carry the movie physically as well as emotionally, because the Final Girl has to do both of those things, and has to carry the audience through the journey of survival,” Harris says. “It’s an interesting challenge.”

The physicality of these roles is something often overlooked by those who might assume stunt doubles take on all the heavy lifting. Harris remains unusually committed to the endurance aspect of her work, explaining that the real-life bodily harm helps with her performance.

“It doesn’t help me for them to fake it,” she explains. “I need to be grabbed. I need to be thrown around. That just allows all of my shit to come up. Otherwise I’m having to pretend that it’s actually happening, and I can see it. If someone’s hand’s not on my throat tight enough — I don’t want to actually pass out, but I want to feel like I might. … There’s no acting in my physical stuff at all.”

A 10-year-old Harris lets out a scream as Jamie Lloyd in Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers. Anchor Bay Entertainment

It hasn’t always been this way. As a kid, Harris mostly just followed direction. She says she earned a lot of her roles by being small for her age and behaving well. Her transition to acting came naturally, following her work in pageants (less traumatic than Toddlers & Tiaras, she promises), though she admits as a little girl she mostly just wanted to be a princess.

In Halloween 4, Harris was tasked with the much less glamorous role of victim. But producers on set made a point of never letting it feel too real for their child star: Even at 10, she never felt scared, and they didn’t encourage her to.

“You don’t even really think about it,” she says. “I never prepared where I sat there and said, ‘OK, Michael Myers, my uncle, has got a giant knife and he’s in the corner and he’s gonna come stab me.’ I just didn’t think about that stuff. I thought about not being able to see my dog ever again and my sister dying, just things that were more realistic to me, I guess.”

After Halloween 5, she got plenty of work in other genres, including family films Don’t Tell Mom the Babysitter’s Dead and Wish Upon a Star, and a recurring stint on Roseanne. But Harris found herself in a tough position as she aged, not really fitting the Hollywood mold — and, at times, actively rebelling against it.

“I wasn’t pretty enough to be the pretty girl, and I wasn’t unattractive enough to be the girl that didn’t get the guy,” she says. “So I fell into a place that doesn’t really exist. I couldn’t be the character actor and I couldn’t be the hot girl.”

“I was like, well screw it, I’ll be the character actor,” she continues, “because it’s more fun anyway. I have a better chance of getting those roles than I do of getting the other roles, partially because I’m short, I’m older than I [look], I’ve been around for a long time, so people were kind of like, ‘Oh, she’s been there, done that, she isn’t fresh and hot and new.’”

But entering into adulthood presented a new set of challenges, and once again Harris found herself in need of reinvention. She was no longer the little girl from Halloween 4 or the teenager who swapped places with her cool older sister in Wish Upon a Star.

Harris continued to work in TV, guest starring on shows like ER and Brooklyn South. But as prospects dwindled, she nearly gave up on acting entirely: Harris still went on auditions, but she also got her real estate license and worked for a beauty company.

“As I got older, I felt like, did I choose this, or was this chosen for me?” she remembers. “I tried to do other things and really just felt like I’m most myself when I’m at work.”

From left: Harris with co-stars Scout Taylor-Compton and Kristina Klebe in the 2007 Halloween. Dimension Films

Even when Harris wasn’t getting as much work, horror fans remained devoted to her portrayal of Jamie Lloyd. And she still dabbled in the genre, appearing as Tosh in the 1998 slasher Urban Legend.

It was at a horror convention that Harris first heard the news of Rob Zombie’s Halloween reboot. Here was a major opportunity to introduce herself to a new audience while appealing to the die-hard fans who had watched her as a kid. The one problem: Zombie didn’t want any original Halloween cast members distracting from his new vision.

“My manager went over casting’s head, talked to the head of Dimension, and said, ‘Let’s just get her in the room and put her on tape,’” Harris explains. “‘As long as we just get her in the room, let’s just have her audition. Let’s just try.’”

And it paid off, as Harris landed the role of Annie Brackett, played by Nancy Loomis in the original. As for how she convinced Zombie, that came down to attitude — and a willingness to bare it all.

“They asked me how I felt about nudity — and I’m sassy, but Annie’s super sassy,” Harris says. “I said something stupid like, ‘What guy doesn’t want to see little Jamie take her clothes off?’ And I think Rob was like, ‘Dude, fuck it. Let’s just go for it.’”

The question wasn’t moot: Harris spends much of the Halloween remake half-naked, and even kept her top off between scenes to achieve the right level of vulnerability.

As it turns out, nudity was a major part of her reinvention.

“It was about getting naked, if I can be really honest,” Harris says. “Taking my clothes off was a calculated decision, because I wanted people to not see me as a little kid anymore, even though I was still playing high school and it was really innocent. All of the sudden Jamie Lloyd had boobs, so I was no longer Jamie Lloyd.”

On a practical level, exposing herself meant new opportunities for Harris, who continues, “I think it made other producers and writers and studios go, ‘OK, she’s pretty cute. OK, wow, she’s got boobs.’ So they started thinking of me in a different way, and then I started getting offers for different things.”

Harris takes a shower as Marybeth Dunston in Hatchet II. Dark Sky FIlms

For Harris, the topless scene paid off; but it was also her return to horror, whose loyal fans have long memories. Even those who didn’t like Rob Zombie’s Halloween noticed Harris and welcomed her resurgence in the genre. After all, it had been a while — recall the days of Jennifer Love Hewitt and Neve Campbell — since there had been an actual scream queen.

“There were years where there was no such thing as a scream queen,” Harris says. “I think that it found me, and it was an opportunity for me to do my best acting.”

Horror presented Harris with a challenge she wasn’t getting elsewhere: In playing the victim, she could show a range of extreme emotions, portraying the agony of capture and the ecstasy of escape.

But that meant committing to low-budget horror, a genre that demands an incredible amount of work and garners very little respect. Harris works long hours fighting off men twice her size to make films largely ignored by the mainstream. It’s a sacrifice that lets her be the leading lady.

“I wasn’t a star,” she says. “I wasn’t famous. It wasn’t like I could get on some great huge movie where I get to really show my acting chops. … I could be a lead in the genre because I had the background, so I definitely wasn’t going to bite the hand that fed me.”

Now, as she reflects on her extensive credits, Harris is proud of the work she’s done. Adam Green, who directed her in Hatchet II, appreciates that Harris isn’t dismissive of her role as horror film leading lady.

“While some actors fall into ‘iconic’ horror status by lucking into being part of a successful horror film and would much rather be known for something more mainstream,” he offers, “Danielle is proud and truly grateful for her stature within our genre.”

And she should be proud: As Green can attest, what Harris does isn’t easy.

“Now I have to put myself in the actual position and feel like it’s actually happening to me, which is why I think I’ve kind of reached my limit a little bit,” Harris reflects. “You can only be raped and murdered and tortured and beaten so many times before you’re like, ‘OK, this is probably not the best thing to do.’”

Marybeth fights back against Victor Crowley in Hatchet II. Dark Sky Films

That doesn’t mean, however, that Harris enjoys being tortured. Reflecting on her experience filming Hatchet III, she admits to wishing she weren’t so motivated to throw herself (quite literally) into every role.

“I’m never gonna phone it in,” she says. “All the bruises in Hatchet III were real. When I’m sitting in the jail cell and my arms are all completely covered in bruises and scratches, that’s from me falling off the tree in real life — a tree that had been sprayed with poison to kill ants, and now I’m, like, on the floor, bleeding.”

It’s a trait that doesn’t go unnoticed by the people she works with, including Green.

“She comes to each role with unbridled enthusiasm,” he gushes. “She never takes a single opportunity for granted.”

Harris is also making low-budget films, which means she has to work longer days out of necessity. Ten pages in one day is hard enough for a drama — but compound that with the serious beatings her characters take.

“What I’ve learned is, from almost passing out on set, having an ambulance come and hook me up to oxygen, to hyperventilating, to can’t feel my hands, [to] losing sight in one of my eyes because I thought I had a stroke from pushing it too hard — crazy stuff happens when you really are doing it,” she says.

Harris isn’t ungrateful — she’s just honest. And for any actor who dreams of one day doing a horror film and getting a great death scene, she offers a bit of realism.

“It’s actually not fun,” Harris says. “It’s really hard just to have to fight that fight and be killed and be crying and screaming, if you really want to give it 100%. … Say you’re killed in a bathtub. Put yourself in a bathtub in water for 12 hours and just continue to keep that emotion and tell me how fucking fun it is.”

Another shot from Hatchet II. Dark Sky Films

Then there’s the emotional toll. For the film Shiver, due out later this year, Harris recalls, “We had to spend two weeks in this place with me being bound and tied and gagged and fed awful shit and raped and just horrible stuff.”

She says it’s one of the first times she hasn’t been able to shake a role after leaving set, recalling that when she came home after a long day, she needed a stiff drink and a hot shower to move on with her night.

“I really thought, I’m gonna be an actor, I’m gonna be method, I’m gonna stay in it,” Harris says. “After day one, I was like, I can’t stay in this for a month. I will slit my wrists. I can’t live with this — just how tortured this poor character was.”

Playing a tortured character — that is, a character who is literally tortured — is a blessing for an actor, according to Harris. But the more she talks about these roles, the clearer it is she may soon be leaving them behind.

“[Filming Shiver] was awful,” Harris says. “Best performance I’ve ever given, I think, but I don’t really know if that’s something I need to do again to feel like I’m a good actor.”

Harris and director Adam Green at the premiere of Hatchet II. Michael Buckner

But if she’s not the Final Girl, what is she?

A director, for one. Harris helmed her debut feature Among Friends in 2011. It will be available on DVD this August. Taking on a behind-the-scenes role felt like the natural progression for someone who has spent much of her life on movie sets.

“It was just time,” Harris says. “There was only so much I could do as an actor in the genre, and I know there’s going to be a 10-year period, starting pretty soon, where I’m not gonna work that much. And I was burned out. So I thought I needed to be challenged. I needed to learn.”

Like so many before her, Harris learned by doing. She says that Among Friends helped her find her style as a director because she had no time to think about it, working with a very low budget and a tight schedule.

After enduring so much as an actor, Harris admits she also put her actors through hell. Filming in chronological order, she captured their actual frustration as they were forced to work long hours under less-than-ideal conditions.

“They wanted to kill themselves and each other by the time they got out of the house, and that’s exactly what I wanted,” Harris says. “I had no time for them to go prepare in a corner. … I needed to see them unravel.”

As Harris shifts her focus to directing, she passes on the torch to the next generation of Final Girls. Her style may sound tough on her actors, but it’s through brutality that the Final Girl finds her strength.

That’s a lesson Harris knows well — and it’s one she’s done learning.

“I’ve had so many great opportunities, and it doesn’t do anything for me as an actor except make me crazy and exhausted,” she says. “When it comes to being the Final Girl, I just can’t put myself through all of that.”

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Patrick Stewart And Ian McKellen’s Impressions Of Each Other Are Hilariously Accurate

2. Sir Patrick was really into Sir Ian’s attempt…

Jaimie Etkin / BuzzFeed

Jaimie Etkin / BuzzFeed


3. And Sir Ian was giddily stunned by Sir Patrick’s.

Jaimie Etkin / BuzzFeed


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People With Psychic Powers Live Among Us. Could Someone You Know Be One?

There are people in the world who claim to have psychic powers, also known as ESP. Back in the day, tribes were often led by spiritual leaders that believed they had powers. Nowadays, though, many people scoff at the thought of psychic powers. …except for these people.

1.) The Twins Who Predicted 9/11.

On November 22, 1999, twin psychics Linda and Terry Jamison predicted on the Art Bell radio show that there would be terrorist attacks by 2002. The exact quote was “We are seeing terrorist attacks on federal government – excuse me, federal buildings. Particularly South Carolina or Georgia, by July 2002. And also the New York Trade Center – the World Trade Center in 2002, with something, with a terrorist attack.” While nothing occurred in South Carolina, it is pretty eery how they honed in on the World Trade Center.

2.) Dannion Brinkley: Psychic Through Lightning.

In 1975 Dannion Brinkley, then 25, was struck by lightning and the jolt so powerful that it melted his shoes to the floor. Twenty-eight minutes after being declared dead, Brinkley awoke but was still paralyzed. Seven months later he achieved full recovery. He also claimed to have visions while he was paralyzed, which predicted the including the election of Ronald Reagan, the collapse of the Soviet Union, and the Gulf War. He has used his new found psychic powers to solve murder mysteries and comfort those in hospitals passing into the afterlife.

3.) Etta Smith’s Incriminating Vision.

In 1980, a young nurse by the name of Melanie Uribe had gone missing. Watching the story on the television, Etta Smith began to have a vision. “It was as if I saw a picture. I saw a canyon area. I saw a road. I saw it curving. I saw a dirt path. I saw shrubbery, and I saw white through the shrubbery.” She took her image to the police and told them the story. Worried they wouldn’t take her seriously she herself found a location in LA that matched her vision. There by a bush she found a body, the body of Melanie Uribe. Police couldn’t believe it. There had been no evidence up to that point of who killed Uribe, so Etta became the prime suspect. She was locked up for several days before the real murderers were found. The chief attributes Etta’s vision to what blew the case wide open.

4.) Nancy Myer: Police Criminal Consultant.

Nancy Myer has worked with police on over 300 investigations, turning up major evidence 80% of the time. In one serial rape case she would interview each victim and then get put into a trance that sent her blindly to the same street corner. It was revealed later that this street corner is exactly where the aggressor lived.

5.) Don Decker: Rain Man.

In 1983 after the death of his grandfather who once molested him, Don Decker discovered a strange phenomenon: he can make the walls rain. As the rain attacks began to progress, Don began to think he was possessed by a demon. He called a priest and was exorcised and the water stopped. Whatever it was that consumed his body clearly had left.

Even if you don’t believe in these people, it’s hard to deny their claims completely (especially when they’re solving murders). I’m not sure what to believe.

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Tennis Player Does The Funniest Thing When Giving His Opponent A Congratulatory Hug.

Tennis players Dudi Sela (who is 5’9″), and Ivo Karlovic (who is 6’10”) recently played each other in the second round of the Claro Open Colombia. Karlovic defeated Sela 7-6, but the post-match handshake looked a little bit different than normal. It started when Sela ran to the side of the court to get a chair…

(IMLA de Colombia 7 via: BuzzFeed) After the match Karlovic said: “After I won, I was going to the net to have a handshake and then I look at him and he’s going back to get a chair. didn’t know what he was going to do and then he arrives and he gives me a hug, which was unbelievable and hilarious. Obviously he needed a hug, so I hugged him back. He’s a really nice guy and I like him a lot. It was funny.” Share this hilarious embrace with your friends by clicking the button below.

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These 7 Ghost Children Are The Creepiest Kids Since The Girl From The Ring.

Believers say that ghosts are formed because the spirit of the victim still has some unfinished business on Earth. Maybe this is why there are so many stories about ghost stories surrounding a child’s passing… there was so much they had yet to experience. The death of a child is tragic, no matter how you look at it.

Here are some truly haunting stories of ghost children who may never pass over to the other side. They’re truly haunting:

1.) In the 1940s at a railroad crossing by San Antonio, a school bus full of kids was hit by an oncoming train, killing them all. To this day, there have been paranormal reports of the school children appearing and pushing cars away from the tracks.

2.) In the Chicago suburbs there is a creepy building that was once a school called “Lindbergh.” At one point, it was converted into a private residence. There, a boy brutally murdered his parents with a knife. Ever since then, residents have been claiming to see the boy sharpening his knife or roaming the surrounding forests.

3.) The Haywood Plunge is a notorious creek in Haywood, CA, where a swim coach led his students and left them there all night. When he returned, he killed them all and left their bodies amongst the rocks. Those who walk the trail say they experience mini-rockslides and the sounds of children pleading.

4.) The Metz Elementary school was established in 1916. When workers attempted to tear it down, the spirits there got in their way. Their equipment would constantly stall and invisible laughing children could be heard throughout the school. They eventually had to call in a priest to perform an exorcism before tearing it down.

5.) Fifteen year-old Thelma Taylor was waiting for a bus in 1949 by Cathedral Park in Portland when she was kidnapped and murdered. Her ghost is said to haunt the park and night-time visitors claim to hear her fearful screams.

6.) Maple Hill Cemetery is the oldest and largest cemetery in Alabama. For some reason, there is a playground inside its gates. Supposedly, ghost children play here, moving the swings with their ghostly fingers and laughing ghostly laughs until the dawn.

7.) Supposedly, a boy died while filming scenes for the movie “Three Men And A Baby”. Some say the child in the window shown very briefly in this scene is that boy.

It’s hard to say if these tragic ghost stories are real. With the haunting accounts of how these children died? It’s not difficult to believe. Share these strange and sad ghost stories with others by clicking on the button below.

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I Used To Want To Visit Australia Until I Saw These 35 Photos. Now I’m Scared To Death… OMG.

If you don’t know this already, Australia is a pretty dangerous place. The people may be warm and welcoming, but it’s the wildlife you have to watch out for. There are some extreme climates down under and there are some pretty extreme animals to go along with them. Some of the biggest bugs, most venomous creatures and craziest animals live in Australia. You may not believe it now, but you will after you see this list. The next time you think of going on a trip to Australia… don’t. (Or, just bring lots of Cortisone cream, tube socks and thick hiking boots.)

1.) Pythons will eat everything. EVERYTHING.

2.) Pythons grow to be so big they can lift a wallaby.

3.) They also like to explore malls, terrifying shoppers.

4.) Snakes can climb up your toilets. No joke.

5.) The snakes there can eat other, bigger reptiles.

6.) You really need to understand that snakes are everywhere.

7.) Even on planes.

8.) Flying fox bats can spread diseases.

9.) Dingos are dangerous. Even to sharks.

10.) But sharks threaten everyone else.

11.) Especially surfers.

12.) Surfers should also watch out for crocodiles.

13.) Then again, most people should watch out for crocodiles.

14.) Seriously. Crocodiles.

15.) But just to keep some perspective, even the crocodiles are eaten by snakes.

16.) THESE are snake food.

17.) And humans are food for the ticks.

18.) Not to mention all of the other bugs that live there. Like lots and lots of spiders.

19.) This is a bucket of funnel web spiders found at a campsite. Each of them can deliver a fatal bite.

20.) The spiders aren’t the only problem. Soldier beetles also swarm.

21.) But who are we kidding, the flies swarm, too.

22.) So do millipedes.

23.) These don’t swarm, but there are giant earthworms.

24.) These are mole crickets. They are terrifying.

25.) Australia also is home to giant, venomous centipedes.

26.) The centipedes can kill snakes.

27.) There are cassowaries, which are giant, awful birds.

28.) Giant jellyfish are a thing that just show up.

29.) But if you don’t like the big jellyfish, there are Irukandji jellyfish. They are 100x more poisonous than cobras.

30.) Box jellyfish are also pretty terrible, though.

31.) Don’t worry, there are other dangerous sea creatures. Blue ringed octopi are extremely venomous with no known anti toxin.

32.) Marble cone snail stings can lead to respiratory paralysis and death.

33.) Oh, and have you ever heard of stonefish? They are the world’s most venomous fish.

Not only are they dangerous, they look absolutely terrifying.

And THIS is what they can do to you.

34.) Even if you stay out of the waters, death can come from above in form of hail.

35.) Oh, the freshwater swimming holes are pretty scary, too.

(H/T BuzzFeed) YIKES. That’s exactly why a nice vacation to an indoor water park might be a much safer idea this summer. Australia is home to some of the most dangerous and toxic animals. Share this list and warns others.

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What’s In This Abandoned Village Is Extremely Haunting. Yet Beautiful At The Same Time

We take for granted that where we grow up will always be there tomorrow, just the way it always has been. No matter how far away you travel, you expect all to be the same when you return. But what if instead of finding what you expect, you came home to find it abandoned, and no longer filled with those you once loved. Well, when this woman had this unfortunate event happen to her, what she did in response was beautiful – and haunting.

Japanese artist Ayano Tsukimi returned to her village 11 years ago, it wasn’t the place she once knew it to be. As there were few of her former friends and loved ones around, she decided to replicate the place herself, with dolls.

These dolls can be seen strewn across the village, on benches, in the street, outside her home, working in farms, and even lounging about the abandoned school compound.

Over a span of 10 years, she has sewn about 350 life-size dolls, each one representing a former villager.

“When I make dolls of dead people, I think about them, when they were alive and healthy,” she said. “The dolls are like my children.”

“I never thought it would turn into this. I have a doll based on myself. Every day she watches the pot and the fire. She’s taking a nap now.”

Check out the full video below:

Ayano’s remote village, Nagoro, is nestled deep in the valleys of Shikoku Island. It was once a bustling center with a dam, a big company and hundreds of inhabitants. But the residents moved to bigger cities over the years, in search of better jobs, abandoning the village permanently. Its population is dwindling as the residents left behind continue to die. Today, Nagoro has only 37 living inhabitants, and of course, many times more dolls. Let’s hope that their memories continue to live on for a long time to come. Source: Valley of the Dolls via Oddity Central If you were moved by this story, please share below with your friends.

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Signs That Are Way More Confusing Than Helpful. WTF?

Signs guide us everywhere. They tell us what’s legal and what’s not legal. Signs help you know where you are going and how to get there. Well, what would happen if, by some freak accident, these signs were suddenly not so helpful anymore? That would make the world a topsy turvy place, wouldn’t it? It certainly would, as you’re about to find out, because you’ve entered… The Weird Signs Zone.

1.) Which is it?

2.) Either one, it doesn’t matter.

3.) I guess I’ll go left?

4.) This isn’t even grammatically sound.

5.) Try not to ram into that.

6.) Makes sense.

7.) Okay, I guess.

8.) That box should be filled with people.

9.) Too late.

10.) Okay, fine, we’ll allow it.

11.) What does the chicken say?

12.) Who are you supporting?

13.) HOW CAN I?!

14.) So… run?

15.) Just never wash this item. Throw it away when you’re done.

16.) Free costs $1.89.

17.) I’ll just use another door.

18.) I live on Montreal.

19.) I’m crossing the street.

20.) Computers are a mystery.

21.) Beat you to it.

22.) I guess I’ll go that way.

23.) Just put up a sign that says “Closed.”

24.) But the sign told me to!

25.) No one better need attention.

26.) Pennies are worthless.

27.) Just shut this street down.

28.) Well, this is a scam.

29.) Don’t worry, I won’t.

30.) This doctor should be fired.

31.) Garbage does not equal trash.

32.) It is what it is.

33.) But… but… it’s 101% uploaded!

The next time you’re walking down the street only to find that it is a one way to a dead end, know that you’ve entered… The Weird Signs Zone. Also, call your local Department of Transportation and please yell at them. No one has time for those signs.

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Ranking Liz Lemon’s “30 Rock” Boyfriends

7. Dennis Duffy


– Always around (has been in every season of 30 Rock)
– Makes Liz laugh
– Calls himself the love of Liz’s life

– Currently married with an adopted son named Black Dennis
– Calls Liz “dummy”
– Beeper King was a career high for him

6. Wesley Snipes


– British (cool accent)
– Fun on Nitrous oxide, if not at any other point
– Very willing to settle

– Hates Liz, and it’s mutual
– Mocks Liz’s past romantic failures
– Uses Britishisms that aren’t real (“sweeps” for spring cleaning)

5. Carol Burnett


– He’s a pilot, which is the next best thing to being an astronaut
– Away often enough that Liz isn’t overwhelmed
– Shares a name with comedy legend Carol Burnett

– Wants to commit more than Liz does
– Cries, and it’s very awkward
– Shares too many of Liz’s neuroses and quirks

4. Drew Baird


– Freakishly attractive
– He’s a doctor (not a good one, but still)
– Jon fucking Hamm

– Completely awful at literally everything he does
– Serious safety hazard to be around
– Hooks for hands

3. Criss Chros


– Put a ring on it (he and Liz are married, with children!)
– Genuinely good-natured
– Sells his van to help Liz renovate her apartment

– Not the brightest (sells his van to a “really nice young guy on meth”)
– Perpetually unemployed
– Loves trampolines, even though they’re death traps

2. Floyd DeBarber


– Sends flowers to his girlfriends
– Looking to settle down with someone
– Gets along with Liz’s friends

– Gets along too well with Jack, which compromises his time with Liz
– Can’t handle the fast-paced New York lifestyle
– Married to someone who isn’t Liz

1. Astronaut Mike Dexter


– He’s an astronaut, which is the noblest and coolest profession
– Well-connected (also the king of Monaco)
– Will watch Dancing with the Stars

– Fictional
– But really, that’s it!
– He’s perfect

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