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This past weekend, I went out with a group of good friends. We did the things normal 20-somethings do: got dolled up, got drunk as hell and partied the night away.
As I spun around in my kitten heels and whipped my hair back and forth, I noticed something. My friends werent all curse-spitting, vomiting, falling-over-themselves, ratchet messes. They were simply all amplified versions of their sober selves.
We’re told there’s one kind of drunk: the graceless moron who won’t remember anything the next morning. That’s the stereotype, and that’s the kind of drunk we spend one drink after another climbing toward.
But the assumption is wrong. The thing is, I never realized how many different kinds of drunks there were until I actually wrote out all of the possibilities.
Youre the drunk portrayed in every TV show wedding and by every leading single lady in a romantic comedy. You get hammered, fall everywhere, sprain a wrist or two and then swear off drinking for the rest of eternity.
That is, until you start drinking the following weekend.
You slur your words slower than your grandma can walk, but you still get an A for effort. Also, it’s fun to record voice notes of your dumb-as-f*ck rambles.
Its a shame you like to drink so much, though, because youre incidentally one of the most well-read people anyone has ever had the pleasure of knowing.
Youre not usually the sharpest tool in the shed, but when youre drunk, youre able to whip out the most obscure facts: the width of the Taj Mahal, the size of King Tuts tomb, the distance from the sun to Pluto (before it became a non-planet).
Unfortunately for you, you dont know where to find an encyclopedia when youre sober.
Woah, woah, woah. Where is all this coming from? You know I love cats, and NOW youre going to tell me how much you hate them? I did NOT know how much of your days you spent suppressing your hatred for cats, and your hatred for my love of cats.
Youre always entertaining, though. Keep it up.
I dont know how, and I dont know why, but youre the kind of drunk who knows how to suppress every single carnal desire for that guy youve loved since you knew what it meant to love.
Your efforts are fruitless — yknow because hes got a girlfriend and all — but that aint no thang to you. Youd third-wheel the both of them just to smell him.
For whatever reason, you dont go for drunk pizza like the rest of your crew. You crave sweets like chocolate is going out of style, so you usually end the night at the corner bakery by yourself, and then proceed to cry into a cookie cake in your bed because you’re really, really, really single.
F*ck, now I want a cookie.
Friends have always pegged you as a good listener (isnt that what makes a good friend a good friend in the first place?), but you have no problem keeping your mouth shut and being the quiet one in a three-hour-long heart-to-heart.
Your drunk selflessness is underrated, for sure.
Usually, youre cheap as hell. But get some Jameson in you, and youre ready to buy the entire bar a round — er, make that two — of shots.
The drunker you get, the more youll make it rain with free alcohol.
Sober you only talks when youre talked to. But not only do you become the life of the party when drunk, but you become the best singer, the best rapper or the best dancer on the dance floor. Your inner Adele and/or Kendrick Lamar comes out, and you blow everyone the f*ck away.
Yo, I really feel for you if this is the kind of drunk you are. No matter how much you drink, you just cannotgetdrunk. You take the Rockefeller Drunk on his offer for the fourteenth free shot because you figure thats whatll finally put you over the edge. But alas, it does not.
So you spend most of the evening with your chin resting on your palm, rolling your eyes at everyone else whos having a damn good time.
This one is specific to being day-drunk, because unlike night-drunk — which you usually get because youre looking to have a good time with your besties — you cant help but use day drinking as a mere excuse to send that text to your ex that youve been wanting to send forever.
Youre no jiu-jitsu master, but you feel the need to throw punches at complete innocents (no, but seriously, that dude wasnt trying to steal your girl).
Anyway, you feel the need to prove a point. And yeah, yeah, yeah, we get it. You GTL, and you just really need to validate your worth by showing off your guns.
Ok, so typically, youre not an ubersexual being. I mean, youre sexual, but not any more than your standard human being. But once the liquor flows through your veins and makes its home there, you will make it your night’s mission to find a guy to go home with.
Ugly, hot, doesn’t matter. Anything with a penis will do.
This one is dangerous because you never know what kind of person you’ll turn into once you start drinking. It could be one of the above, or it could be all of the above. I dont know which is worse, but neither of the options arestellar.
Still, no two nights are the same for you, so that’s always nice.
You won’t attend the after party because you know your limits so much better than the rest of us. Youll wake up the following morning feeling good enough to hit the gym and laugh at the rest of us hungover idiots.
Your go-to move is the classic Irish Exit, you sly, sly bastard. And for that, I tip my hat off to you.
Here’s a cool thing that has very little in the way of practical application.
An artist named Younghui Kim created clothing that tells you how drunk you are. The articles of clothing are part of Kim’s “Metamorphosis” line.
Basically, each piece changes shape and color as the wearer gets more and more wasted. There is a dress for females and a jacket for males.
In the case of the jacket, its collar “slide[s] out to cover up the drinker’s face when it senses too much of alcohol in [someone’s] breath.”
The dress’ sleeves expand and contract, depending upon the user’s level of intoxication.
I’m not really sure why anyone would want to vibrantly advertise how drunk he or she is. But, if for some reason you do, you might want to invest.
H/T: The Daily Dot
Read more: http://cheezburger.com/8266411520
We all have those nights — you drink one beer, but that’s not enough to forget about your horrible day at the office…so you drink another (or five).
When some beer warehouse workers found this raccoon, it was was pretty clear that he was going through some serious stuff. Watch as he drunkenly moseys over to the humans he thinks are his drinking buddies, before realizing, “Oh right, I’m a raccoon…and I’m drunk.”
Talk about a party animal. I’d really hate (or love?) to see his face when he wakes up hungover and finds out his blackout went viral. Hopefully, someone threw some Aspirin in the trash…
Read more: http://www.viralnova.com/drunk-raccoon/
Let’s get weird.
1. Get drunk and gamble your rent check. 2. Fart in a crowded bar. 3. Flirt with a Duke fan. Ask to go on a date, and then stand them up.4. Drink buckets of Coors Lights. 5. And troughs of Bud Light. 6. And silos of Miller Lite. 7. Go on a strict nacho diet. 8. Wear a Hawaiian shirt, because you can’t NOT have a good time in a Hawaiian shirt.
9. Scream “Happy Hunger Games” at the tip off. 10. Masturbate violently in a public bathroom. You only live once. 11. Put all your drinks on a stranger’s tab. 12. Book a flight to Vegas. 13. Order late-night Polish food. 14. Jaywalk. 15. Wear a jean jacket over your Hawaiian shirt if you’re chilly. 16. Take tequila shots until something funny happens. 17. Impulse buy a tuxedo. 18. Impulse buy a tub of guacamole.
19. Scream “G-Unit” like it’s 2003. 20. Buy a star for a stranger. Seriously, they’ll love it. 21. Get sloshed and act like a frat bro. 22. Get housed and act like a sorority girl. 23. Wear glasses. People will think you’re a scientist after your eighth gin and tonic. 24. Two Words: Curly. Fries. 25. Hit on the hot bartender.26. Go to a Duke bar and act like you’re watching the World Cup.
27. Say you’re the coach’s niece or nephew. 28. Show up to a bar dressed like Hannibal Lecter and say to your friends, “What? I thought it was a theme party?” Get it? March MADNESS? 29. Eat your friends. 30. See how many Long Island Iced Teas you can drink in an hour. 31. Tie people’s shoelaces together while they’re laser focused on the games. 32. Speak like Donald Duck for an entire day. 33. Yell a sincere compliment at someone angrily. 34. Whisper in a bar patron’s ear that you have the golden ticket — then walk away.
35. Tell a girl that Roadhouse is based on your life.36. Tell a guy that Ghost is based on your life.37. Tell a bouncer that you’re Patrick Swayze.
38. Dress like a pilot and watch the games at an airport bar. 39. Sigh obnoxiously after every made basket for BOTH teams. 40. Ask the bartender if they could play “Who Let the Dogs Out.”41. Do the stanky leg. 42. Buy a stranger an expensive drink, and when they say thanks, start being mean to them. 43. Ask everyone in a bar what they gave up for Lent. 44. Bring an actual basketball to the bar. 45. Get pun-happy after your fourth margarita. 46. Tell someone they look EXACTLY like Tony Hawk. 47. Have a conversation solely using John Legend lyrics. 48. Buy a bottle of something at the bar. 49. Subsequently realize you overdrew your checking account and beg strangers for money.50. Weep openly.
51. Blatantly steal someone’s drink then say “finders keepers.” 52. Have a staring contest with someone.53. Don’t tell that person you’re having a staring contest. 54. Impulse buy Just for Men’s Touch of Gray. 55. Ask for a brunch menu…at 6 p.m. 56. Challenge someone to a shot-for-shot drinking contest à la Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark.
57. Call everyone around you “sport” or “hon.”58. Smuggle in Cheetos. 59. Make a BIG mistake. 60. Say “hot dang” and snap your fingers a lot. 61. Ask permission to use the bathroom when you’re at a bar. 62. BYOPJ (Bring your own pickle juice).63. Tell everyone you know the game is rigged. 64. Remember to tip.
This month is National Impaired Driving Prevention Month, which brings me back to a memory that is still very fresh in my mind.
Last month, I went out to a cold and snowy Carson City, Nevada to visit my aunt, uncle and cousins.
I always love seeing my family, but this trip was not one I was looking forward to.
November 11 of this year marked the 10-year anniversary of losing my cousin Ben.
Ben was a 22-year-old competitive dirt bike racer, a happy-go-lucky guy and the father of a 2-year-old boy named Seth when we lost him that night.
The reason: drinking and driving.
Ben was driving down a dangerous highway at an extremely high blood alcohol level when he lost control of the car.
Hehit a tree, andhe died instantly.
Ill never forget the morning of November 11, 2005.
I was 15 years old, and my mom came into my room and told me what had happened.
I loved Ben and looked up to him, and the thought of him gone still seems strange to this day.
I believe the attitude we as a society have of drinking and driving is fundamentally flawed, and to illustrate this, I need to tell you what happened to me in the years following this tragedy.
At first, I was so spooked by the idea of drinking and driving.
It made no sense.
There are so many ways to avoid it, and after personally losing someone to this, I thought there was no possible way I would everdrink and drive.
But that wasnt the case.
I tried alcohol for the first time only nine months after losing Ben.
It just seemed like the thing to do in high school, especially with my insatiable desire to fit in.
Drinking seemed harmless to me, butI still never wanted to crosstheline todrink and drive.
Nine months later, I so excitedly received my driver’s license.
Probably not even one or two months later, I was drunk behind the wheel.
How could this happen?
Well for starters, I ended up getting sober six years later at the age of 21 because I had a horrendous drinking problem and am now a recovering alcoholic.
But, the beginning of my story isnot unusual.
I believe the messages we put out to the media about drinking and driving are way off-base.
We see commercials talking about the dangers and costs of getting a DUI.
However, one message that needsbe shouted across the media channels is, You are lucky to get a DUI.
Yes, getting a DUI is inconvenient, it costs quite a bit of money and it will hurt your record.
But a lot of people dont realize the real potential costs of getting behind the wheel while intoxicated.
What we dont show enough is there are manykids growing up without a dad, like my little cousin Seth.
We dont show the parents who lost their children from a 100 percent preventable tragedy.
We dont show the image my mom had to walk in on: Her only daughter strapped down to the bed with tubes coming out of her bodyin the ICU.
Thedoctors toldher I would have died within 30 minutes if the ambulance wasnt there right away.
Even with all of the personal experiences I had with drinking and driving, when I was 17 years old, I drifted across eight lanes of traffic and crashed into the fence of my local airport with one of my best friends in the front seat.
I was extremely lucky. I couldnt see it then, but I absolutely see it now.
There is a psychological effect that most humans have called “the optimism bias,” which causes a person to believe he or sheis at less of arisk of experiencing a negative event compared to others.
On any given day, we as humans are more likely to believe a stranger will get into a car crash than us.
Thats why we get upset when someone cuts us off because they are texting anddriving, and then five minutes later, we are looking at our phones behind the wheel.
We truly believe we can handle it better.
Then when you put alcohol in the mix, we truly believe we are indestructible.
Being sober now, I am the designated driver when I go out with my drinking friends.
Even when I’m the person who hasn’t ingested one drop of alcohol, my buzzed friends still offer to drive because they “feel fine.”
Of course you feel fine. Youre totally buzzed!
Our judgment is extremely impaired after drinking, and when you add this on top of the optimism bias, were totally screwed.
The bottom line is there is no excuse for drinking and driving.
With Uber, Hotel Tonight and other resources, there is really no valid excuse for getting in the car after drinking.
Drunk driving is an incredibly selfish and idiotic act.
Remember: Getting a DUI is a best-case scenario.
When you come out ofa blackout and ask your friends how you guys got home, and they say, How could you not remember you drove us home? or when you feel relieved after getting away with driving home drunk, its time to take a serious look at yourself.
Stay safe out there, kids.