How To: Go on Birthright Like a Betch

So Birthright registration starts today and that means one thing: JABS across the globe are scrambling to fill out their applications for a spot on one of Taglit-Birthright Israel’s summer ’14 trips.

Once scoring a coveted spot on the free 10 day adult teen tour that is Birthright, a betch will prepare to have the time of her life and come back so hopped up on Israel (after extending her trip to spend an extra week shopping and tanning in Tel Aviv) that her friends who haven’t gone yet will swear she was the victim of a Mugatu-esque brainwashing scheme to kill the prime minister of Malaysia talk about how she wants to move to Israel, her ‘most ah-mazing’ summer experience, and the hot soldier she made out with.

In order to prep for one of the best trips of your life, we’ve put together a handy guide for betches who want to experience all that Birthright has to offer while still understanding that it’s never acceptable to wear Teva’s in public.

DO haggle with the jewelry salesmen in the marketplace so you can get souvenirs for your besties. A friend who returns from Birthright with less than four evil eye necklaces is no friend at all.

DON’T be pissed off if you overpay for that unique hamsa bracelet that your friend bought for 80 shekels cheaper than you down the street. You’re an American girl. Chances are you can’t haggle for shit.

DO pretend You LOVE Kabbalah after meeting the seemingly tripped out Avraham Leventhal in the mystic town of Tzfat.

DON’T actually try and explain to anyone else what Kabbalah is. Despite the fact that Madonna, Britney, Lindsay Lohan, and Ashton Kutcher proclaim to love it, chances are they, just like you, don’t actually get what it actually is.  This however shouldn’t stop you from purchasing some chic artwork so you can pretend to know about Jewish mysticism. And wearing a red string.

DO hook up with the hottest guy on your trip and/or a soldier. If you’re not napping on the bus you should be making out on it. Five days after spending all of your time chilling with Jason and swooning over his frat stories from UMich and you’ll be legally wed by Birthright standards. Feel free to put out. This is Birthright so hooking up with your fellow tribe member is actually encouraged.

DON’T expect your hook up to be the best groomed. You’ve been wandering the desert for 10 days. Imagine the lack of brazilians Moses had to deal with after 40 years.

DO buy a neck pillow. There’s no nap like a post hike Birthright bus nap. DO take pictures of your besties drooling.

DON’T shave your legs before going into the Dead Sea. Sure it’s fun to spread mud all over your body and take jumping pics on the beach but the fun ends when you realize your pre-Birthright wax session has landed your vagina in what it feels like a deeper hell than the slaying of the first born.

DO party at the bars in Tel Aviv and at the Kibbutz.  The sick weather combined with the awesome nightlife will make you rethink your #3 abroad location choice.

DON’T be so hungover you can’t walk off your body weight in hummus that you were fed for breakfast.

DO bitch about waking up at 4 am to hike up Masada.

DON’T forget to Instagram a picture of sunrise yoga and ponder with your trip mates about what it must’ve been like to live up there without snapchat.

DO complain about having to cover your legs at the Kotel. Chances are you haven’t worn a skirt that went below your knees since your bat mitzvah service. Don’t worry, wrapping a scarf around your legs counts as covering them.

DON’T bitch for so long that everyone makes fun of you for being that jappy American girl. This is a great opportunity for you to practice pretending to be down to earth.

Really though – if you haven’t been on Birthright, rally some betches and make it happen.

You’ll thank us later.

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How To: Selfie Like A Betch

As everyone with access to the internet should know, “selfie” was named word of the year by none other than the official Webster dictionary (ever heard of it?). We would've weighed in on the big selfie news sooner, but to be honest, we've been internally debating the betchiness of the selfie. Even though the act of taking a picture of yourself is blatantly all about #1, it's also kind of attention seeking and like, look at me! look at me!, which by definition a betch doesn't need to do to get attention. I mean we've all seen selfies that are super nice girly and lame, but on the other hand everyone from Rihanna to Meryl Streep takes selfies.


The bros debating Obamacare think they have it rough, imagine having to decide whether or not selfies should be a number on the Betch List. So we finally decided that as with all things betchy, it's not about whether you selfie or not, it's about how you selfie.

The day of the week is not a reason to selfie

Congrats, you made it to Tuesday. That is not an occasion to make it #selfietuesday because you want to show off how blue your eyes are looking this morning in contrast with your new Givenchy sweater, which is half the reason you're taking this selfie in the first place.

Get an interesting background

We all know what your face looks like so you better have a seriously beautiful background/famous person/ironic message to make this selfie worthy of leaving your photo stream. Everyone knows hell is probably just a series of your embarrassing private camera selfies playing on a loop in front of everyone you know. When they say #nofilter, that doesn't mean not filtering the dumb shit you post.

Do not selfie and drive

As betchy as it is to drive like a fucking idiot, you know what's not betchy? Dying. Dying and/or being arrested for running over a pedestrian because you instagrammed proof that you ARE a fucking idiot. You might as well Instagram yourself driving while chugging a bottle of Moët while holding your fake ID (with the Mercedes symbol on the steering wheel in the background, fucking duh).

Get some friends

But no new friends obvs. A multi person selfie is otherwise known to betches and Ja'mie King as a groupie. This is acceptable only because who doesn't love to show how many besties they can fit in their selfie, and sometimes the group photog wants to actually be in their own pictures. Plus when you groupie, the toolishness of not having someone to take a real pic is spread over everyone in it so it's like, not that bad.

You look like a tool while selfieing

If you're in public try to keep your selfie-ing to a few seconds no matter how pretty the sunset behind you is. The blurry nature of selfies makes everyone look prettier than they are, so if you can't get a good one in two shots I am sorry but you're prob just ugly.

Mirror pics should stay in middle school

You are not a celebrity so therefore the fact that you once made a duckface or a wounded sparrow face or whatever the fuck you want to hashtag, is not a reason to put the world on notice. Taking a series of mirror pics is what you do before attending a sweet 16. Anyone who likes one of these pointless acts of narcissism is just trying to win points with you which they will cash in when you like their own pointless photos later. Just the facts.

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Betch Faux Pas: What To Do On Your Walk of Shame

This Betch Faux Pas is probably one of the most common and most acceptable. While some people might tell you to ward off one night stands by keeping a change of clothes in your purse, betches know that that kind of responsible pre-planning is for nice girls and duds who probably never go home with anybody anyway. Besides, who wants to bring a big ass bag with them to go out partying? Is there anything more annoying than have to find a place to hide your shit so some povo doesn't come out of the woodwork and steal it?

That being said, there are ways for betches to live life to the fullest and manage the shame when the inevitable occurs.


Most of the time, an outfit that looks fierce as fuck for a night of clubbing, does not look so good in the light of day, especially when that outfit is paired with one broken heel and a face full of last night's eyeliner. Rather than treating the world to this new look, it's time to turn to the bro who boned you for help. If he's on the fence about lending you his shit, remind him that you are a betch and last night you gave him the greatest gift a betch can give a bro (her vag or at least an intensive kiss and cuddle) so he can definitely cough up some shorts and a fucking hoodie.

It goes without saying that if the dude is a dick about lending you some acceptable clothes to walk home in, then he is shady as fuck and you shouldn't waste any time trying to get his shit back to him in the future or see him again. I'm pretty sure it's a scientific fact that 90% of a betch's pjs are actually just the relics of past one night stands, so don't hesitate to add to your collection.


There is a fine line between a “walk of shame” and “looking like shit in public.” The former is an embarrassing but acceptable part of the betch lifestyle, while the latter is an automatic revocation of your betch status. While there may be many enticing things that you see on your walk from this bro's place to yours, do not be tempted. It only takes one frenemy to spot you in Chopt wearing some bro's old football jersey as a dress and holding your heels in your hands before everybody in in Greek life has heard a rumor that you're like, “homeless or something” now.

The most dangerous of these obstacles is the stop and chat. While the stop and chat is usually an integral part of a betch's everyday life, do not fall into its trap.  It's one thing to have a casual convo with the hot guy from your English class when you're mentally present and looking great. It's another to have a delirious, half hungover conversation with a bro you've been texting without noticing that you still reek of vodka and have some sticky shit in your hair that you'd care not to investigate. No one wants to date the girl who spends her Saturdays sporting a look that screams “I suck dick for coke”. 


It goes without saying that the best walk of shame is a walk of shame that nobody notices. If you get home and can pretend that nothing ever happened then congratulations betch, you did it right. If you come home to a million Snapchats of you stumbling down the Quad looking like Cady Heron on Halloween, you fucked up. In order to pull off a successful walk of shame, you need three things: big sunglasses (which you should have on you at all times anyway), headphones, and the ability to walk really, really fast. Keep your head down, put on some power walking tunes, and avoid the areas where lots of people congregate. Much like a tree falling in the woods, if a betch walks home at 7 am looking like a whore and no one sees it, it never really happened.


For school aged betches, walks of shame are just another part of the college experience. Like, I'm pretty sure the damages are covered in your tuition. After college, though, the walk of shame goes from being an annoying part of living an exciting life to a sign that you need to grow the fuck up. First of all, in real adult life the walk of shame isn't just a matter of creeping down the hall to your dorm room or cutting across the green to your end of campus. Adult walks of shame require actual time, energy, and some serious public face time. If you're a grown woman and find yourself in some strange pros bed without a proper change of clothes, do yourself a favor and use your grown woman money to call yourself a cab and book yourself a therapist appointment. If you do make the occasional bad decisions as a post-grad, make sure the guy comes to you. When you're not in school anymore, leaving some guy's apartment at the crack of dawn is considered a real job. See Eliot Spitzer or Hugh Grant for a recommendation. 

On that note, remember betches, we live in a Post-Uber society which means we are all just one app away from never having to walk of shame again. 

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The 7 Essentials for Surviving Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving is a great American tradition, and the food is great and family is nice and blah blah blah. Most years, Thanksgiving dinner is fine but by Sunday all we want is to get the fuck out of our parents' house. Here are all the things you need to remember so you don't drown yourself in leftover gravy.

  • 1. Your Own Music

    Unless you're a JAB, get ready to hear all the Christmas music you hate this weekend. For some reason, parents and old people in general can't get enough of Christmas, so they feel the need to start blasting Michael Bublé as soon as Thanksgiving dinner fucking ends.  Tune that shit out with Nick Jonas' new song, or pretty much anything that's not about Santa or Jesus.

  • 2. Netflix

    Everyone knows the best part about being home with family is when you can sneak away to your room and pretend to nap while you binge Gilmore Girls for at least three hours. If you don't figure out a way to do this every day while you're home, reassess your priorities.

  • 3. Generic Answers for Questions About Your Life

    This one isn't so tangible, unless you want to make flash cards to remember your answers. Your childhood neighbor Joan will absolutely want to know if you're dating anyone new, and there's really no time to be thinking on the spot.  If anyone asks about school/your job, just say it's good and act like you have somewhere to be (i.e. Netflix to watch).

  • 3. Pictures To Show Your Parents

    Especially if you're in college, your parents will want to hear all about your friends and what you've been doing, and you don't want to be frantically scouring your phone for a single picture of Rachel where her thong isn't showing.  Make a folder ahead of time with some (sort of) tasteful shots, and hope they don't ask for anything more.

  • 3. Alcohol

    If you're in a remotely decent family, drinks will be provided at Thanksgiving dinner. However, if you're going home for the whole weekend, it might be wise to bring a personal stash with you. Nothing says happy holidays like sitting in bed alone with the lights off pounding margaritas, right?

  • 6. Your Phone Charger

    This obviously seems like a no-brainer, but if your mom still has a 4S and your dad is constantly charging his phone for work (ugh), chargers might be hard to come by.  There's no greater emergency than your phone dying by noon because all your betches are group texting about how fucked up their families are.

  • 7. Reading Material

    Newsflash – parents are boring as fuck. By like 8pm the day is winding down and there's literally nothing to do. If your family insists on spending “quality time” together, at least bring a Cosmo or something to keep yourself entertained.

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The Stoner Series: How To Pretend You’re Not High When You Are

Being a pothead of Rihanna proportions it's inevitable that people will know about it. Usually this is nothing to be ashamed of, but you know you're this person when you find people will ask you at any time, day or night, “are you high right now?” Whether it was the result of you saying something a little weird or simply that you expressed interest in eating today, the answer is usually a resounding fuck yes.

And while this isn't weird to us, it is to some people. Apparently because weed is technically an illegal drug as well as a mind-altering substance, it's not considered okay to be stoned in certain situations, however rare. Whether it's an appointment with your academic advisor to make sure you're #45 graduating on time or a Thanksgiving dinner with your straight edge side of the family, it's important to know the best strategies for fooling people into thinking you're not high when, as a living breathing human, you obviously are.

Get the right equipment: Eyedrops, sunglasses, gum, and an iced coffee to ward off cotton mouth. Also if you have an adderall prescription, and every stoner should, definitely pop one or two to curb your aggressive hunger and silence.

Pretend to be on the phone: In case of emergency aka seeing someone you know in public, you should obviously just take a page from what normal people do and pretend to be texting furiously or on a very important phone call. Sober people, they're just like us.

Speak only when spoken to: Let's say you're at a work meeting or have like a really important pregame where you can't avoid social contact. The easiest way to blow up your own spot is to openly muse about random thoughts in your head aloud. It's the verbal equivalent of not using eyedrops in that you might as well walk around with an “I'm stoned” sign. Just believe us when we say no one will appreciate your highdeas as much as you do. Don't let them kill your daydreams.

Be high always: This, obviously, is the only surefire way to eliminate any difference between your high and not-high self. Just think of it like being super tan from going on vaca all the time, no one ever has to see your true colors: green, fucking duh.

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The Types of People Betches Meet at Work

Post-grad life can bring many new and exciting things for a betch.  These usually include a new car, #45 graduation money, and a new chance to #107 not branch out by relocating your entire inner circle to a whole new city. It’s like college except we’re like, grown ups!

Inevitably, post-grad life can also bring its share of challenges, like having to pretend to be a productive member of society and needing to justify why you carry a $500 purse when you make a $30k per year salary.  Because my parents love me, okay!?

Also, unlike sorority rush, in “real life” you cannot hand pick the people you surround yourself with. Nowhere is this more evident than in the work place, where a betch will be forced to endure awkward moments that even the many hours of being fake-nice during rush couldn't prepare her for.

The following are some examples of people a betch will meet in the work place:

The Work Friend

You don’t mind this girl, but you’d never hang out with her outside of the office because she’s like sooo annoying. Either way she’s okay to talk to and you occasionally pretend to be interested in her day. 

The Kiss-Ass

This person is a betch’s worst nightmare. They are the epitome of #123 TTH and will be the first to tell on you for showing up fashionably late. Seriously? Why do you care!? It’s not my fault the line at Starbucks was so long.

Shady-Ass Co-Worker Bro

This guy has hooked up with most of the girls in the office.  Literally everyone thinks he’s attractive…but you can’t figure out if it’s because he’s actually hot or if it’s because he’s the only decent option in an office full of women. It’s most likely the latter. A wise betch will stay away from this bro. Most betches probably won’t.

The one who knows all the gossip

This guy knows EVERYTHING about everybody. Often the #148 Maybe Gay Bro, you REALLY want to be friends with him cause he’s like, SUPER sassy, but also fear him because he can spread some pretty nasty rumors  Even so, he’s your favorite…except for that time he had everyone place bets on if you were hooking up with the Shady-Ass Co-Worker Bro, cause that was, like, so not cool.

The one who has worked there forever

No one knows when exactly this person started working there, just that they’ve been there like, a REALLY long time. For whatever reason, their years of experience have failed to provide them with more money and succeeded in giving them a huge fucking attitude. He/she will most likely hate you. He/she will also most likely live alone with cats.

So betches, grab an Adderall and put on your best fake smile because the office is a different fucking world.  And if all else fails, it’s not like you were paying your own rent anyway…

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How To: Make Your Class Schedule Like A Betch

Unfortunately it's that time of year again when classes are starting and you'll have find all new people to do your work for you. As a gift for the miserable first day of school, here is an excerpt from the College chapter of bestselling book Nice Is Just A Place In France: How To Win At Basically Everything (buy it!). Here's how to make your schedule like a betch.

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The Betches’ Official Guide To Posing In Photos

The betch is not naturally the most original creature. When found in groups it can be different to distinguish one betch from another, due to the fact that many betches talk, behave, and dress the same. If you are given the opportunity to observe the betch in her natural habitat, take note in particular of the group photo, a peculiar instance in which all betches in the vicinity will gather in front of a camera and pose in an identical manner.

Okay, enough of that National Geographic shit. You all know what I’m talking about, your go-to pose for a group photo that you and all your besties adopt? My mom calls it “the sorority girl pose” but we’re calling it the Standard Betch Pose.

Let’s break down the elements.

The end spot: This is the most essential element of the pose, so when you and your besties gather for a group photo, it’s imperative that you get one of the end spots or else you risk a double chin (because you’re looking too far up) or accidentally looking like a super villain (because you’re looking too far down). Being on the end gives you more pose options, and you won’t have to stretch your arms between two people and hold them there until you feel like they’re going to fall off.

Hand on hip: Now that you’ve secured the prime position, you have to put your hand on your hip. That’s just like, the rules of feminism. Otherwise your arm will look fat. I don’t care how much you lift, you will look like one of those middle-aged ladies whose arm keeps waving long after her hand stops.

Head tilt: Pick a side, and tilt your head slightly to that side. Not too much, this isn’t your yearbook pic.

Knee Bend: Whatever hip your hand is on, bend your knee slightly. Kind of like a flamingo. I don’t know why, just do it.

Now that you’ve mastered the SBP, you can take it with you. The SBP is perfect for any party, pregame, sorority recruitment activity…basically anytime anyone yells “OMG GROUP PHOTO!” and you all rush to gather around the group photog like wildebeest to a watering hole.

One final tip: since your pose doesn’t really change, try to vary which side you stand on. That way when people inevitably Facebook stalk you, it doesn’t look like you just took one pic and photoshopped different outfits on.

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25 Tricks Every Lazy Person Needs To Know

Couch Potatoes “R” Us.

ivanmateev / Getty Images / Thinkstock

1. You’re going to want a drink, but you’re not going to want to get up to refill it: Here’s when having an extra large wine glass comes in handy.

It holds an entire bottle of wine!

2. If you’re more of a caffeine fiend, get the World’s Largest Coffee Cup.

What’s worse: lukewarm coffee or having to walk to the kitchen? That’s a choice you have to make for yourself.

3. Purchase your new official uniform.

Proof that couch potatoes aren’t always slovenly: They can be cute! Super cute. But they’re never seen in the wild, so once you slip into this thing, don’t even THINK of venturing out into fresh air. Not allowed.

4. Have a cold? No need to dash to the bathroom for a tissue. This remote-controlled tissue box will deliver them to you.

Your savior when you have the sniffles.

5. After you’re done with the tissues, grab yet another controller and use it to drive over a garbage can to dispose of them in.


What do you think would win in a race: the tissue box or the garbage can? Tough choice.

6. A robotic cleaner (like a Roomba) will keep your home from getting foul while you make your way through every season of Frasier.


No one wants to veg out in an unclean atmosphere.

7. If a Roomba is out of your price range, try one of these adorable “fur ball” vacuum cleaners instead.


They roll around like the hedgehogs from Alice in Wonderland and collect lint and dust as they go.

8. While robots can tidy up your floors for you, they’re no help when it comes to your own…odors. That’s where a diffuser comes in handy.

You’re undoubtably completely fragrant… but just in the off chance you may be a wee bit stinky, this ultrasonic gadget will have your living room smelling of jasmine (or whatever scent you choose) in no time.

9. Buy a Comfortable Reach USB Charger so your phone doesn’t run out of power as you endlessly gaze at Instagram while you lounge.

Phone and tablet charger cords are notoriously short, but this one is 15 feet long with three USB ports (so you can charge a few devices at once).

10. Claim a couch as your own. This one is ideal because while it’s technically a “couch,” you could also refer to it as “heaven.”

Stretch out and claim it like a starfish claims a rock.

11. Here’s another fine couch option. It may not be as roomy as the last one, but it comes equipped with two power outlets and USB ports.


Plus: Each seat reclines, there’s a drop-down tray table, and built-in overhead lighting.

12. Or maybe you’d prefer this one — it can actually transform into a bed!


So much cooler than anything you see in a Transformers movie.

13. Decorate your new forever-home with some suitable accessories (like this pillow emblazoned with your new motto).

“Yes, pillow. Let’s do it.”

14. If your couch has a reclining option, install an extender to make leaning back even more convenient.


The whole point of “couch life” is to exert the least possible amount of effort.

15. Get a caddy to set all your essentials on: remotes, snacks, your phone and laptop… you get the drift.

A coffee table also works, but this is better because you can also use it like a makeshift desk. Couch potatoes can accomplish things and get shit done; they just do so in comfort.

16. Invest in a Tablift to hold your tablet for you.


It allows you to watch something hands-free and the adjustable legs give it the capability to stand up on any surface (no matter how uneven). Your lap will be grateful.

17. If you’re going to be sitting on the couch all day (and night), eventually you’ll need to change the lighting situation: The time has come to install The Clapper.

Don’t make your feet do the work when your hands can handle it.

18. If The Clapper is too old fashioned for you, get some LIFX bulbs you can control using your phone.

You can even change the color of light they emit. Watching a scary movie? Red tint. Scared after watching a scary movie? Switch to a soothing blue.

19. Equip your front door with Lockitron so you can let your guests in without missing a minute of whatever you’re in the midst of watching.


All they have to do is text you when they arrive and you use the app to release the lock.

20. If you’d prefer to be social without sharing any of your precious couch space, have a long-distance movie night instead.

Gaze let’s you watch a movie (or show) in sync with someone else (and chat while you do it).

21. Sitting beneath a pile of blankets gets pretty toasty: the Zen Thermostat is app-controlled so you can change the temperature as you see fit.


Knock it down a few degrees so you can curl up in your nest of blankets without sweating.

22. Working on your fitness from the couch isn’t impossible: Slide up to the edge of your seat and use this elliptical trainer for a bit.

…and then just slide back and return to relaxing when you’re done (you athlete, you).

23. Or skip “the gym” and take your feet to “the spa” with this foot massager.


24. Having a pet requires you to actually stand up and do things: Get a robotic one instead.

It’s almost the same.

…and not at all creepy. Nope. Not in the slightest.

25. Finally, while couch life is unquestionably the best life, some people just don’t understand; some people actually want you to venture into other rooms… that’s when you need a telepresence.

“Honey! Lexie is taking her first steps!”

“Just a minute, baby.”

*continues to watch TV and sends iPad off into the other room*

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