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Good morning, Sheena! Hope your day is going wonderfully.
I looked down at my phone to find these words. It was a text from a guy I had met in the park a few weeks prior, accompanied by a picture of him dressed as what appeared to be a creative combination of Kanye West and a martial arts instructor (I later found out he was, indeed, dressed as martial arts Kanye, and Halloween came early for him. But I digress.)
Anyway, what was I talking about? Ah, right. The “good morning” text.
Seeing as Im single AF (and havent gotten a text like this in — oh, I dont know — maybe five years?), I guess you can say I was a bit surprised to receive a message of the like.
But it wasnt just shock I was feeling; it was dismay, too. Im not going to lie: Those two little words completely threw off my morning, and my day, and the rest of my week, for that matter.
It’s the context of the text that’s baffling. In todays world, is a text like that normal? Or is it just straight-up crazy?
I mean, whos to say getting a “good morning” text from a guy you havent been dating seriously isn’t too chivalrous for its own good? Was he digging himself into a hole by pressing “send,” or was I just being an a-hole forlaughing at him? Am I supposed to run from it, or am I supposed to embrace it?
Millennial dating culture has me questioning everyone and everything. A message that probably traveled all the way through cyberspace with the sole intention of brightening up my day and throwing a big ol smile on my face makes me wince and gag instead.
I ultimately decided to cut ties with martial arts Kanye dude because his eagerness scared me away. I think its safe to say that weve become, dare I say, impervious to sweet gestures and meticulously worded texts. RIP, martial arts Kanye.
Behold all the thoughts that go through your head when you get your first good morning text from a guy in FOREVER:
1. Chivalry ISNT dead!
2. And love IS alive. Praise, glory, hallelujah.
3. OK. Take a breath and regroup. Sh*t like this is usually too good to be true.
4. This guy is either an axe murderer, a stalker or, worst of all, the love of my life.
5. I better not tell everyone about him because Im going to jinx the hell out of it.
6. F*ck, theres no way to NOT screenshot this sh*t.
7. Im doing it. Gotta send it to ma ladies. Need their input.
8. What? You guys are turned on by this?
9. Jesus, guys, keep your panties on!
10. I feel like theyre freaking out over him more than I am.
11. Should I start planning my future with this dude?
12. I dont know, it feels like too much too soon.
13. Hes a unicorn. SERIOUSLY, NO ONE DOES THIS ANYMORE.
14. Like, should I be swooning or what?
15. Ugh, I think I liked him for five minutes, up until he said, “Good morning.”
16. Well, that was a fun five minutes of my life Ill never get back.
17. Does this mean I should expect “good night” texts, too?
18. How about “good afternoon?”
19. Do I say “good morning” back?
20. Or SUP?
21. Is this purely a sexual thing? Like, did he just wake up with a hard-on?
22. How many other girls is he even sending this to?
23. Is this a mass text?!?
24. Did he do this to his ex?
25. DOES HE HAVE A PAST DATING LIFE?!?
26. And I wasnt included in it? Who does he think he is?
27. I am officially jealous.
28. Did he even just wake up or has he been up for hours?
29. I bet he woke up, went to the gym, chugged a protein shake and *mowed his lawn* (if ya know what I mean) already.
30. Damn him. He’s such a f*cking liar.
31. Great, I’ve gone from picking emotionally unavailable men to picking liars.
32. I AM NOT MAKING PROGRESS HERE.
33. Wait — does this mean hes in love with me?
34. Is this what ~true love~ feels like?
35. Does this make him my boyfriend?
36. If he isnt, is it even appropriate for him to be sending me a text like this at this point in our relationship?
37. I don’t think so. It’s blatantly inappropriate.
38. This is some R-rated stuff.
39. Yknow, this all seems way too easy. It takes approximately zero effort to send a two-worded text; he isnt going to get laid just yet. Nice try, idiot.
40. THIS ISNT A TICKET TO LAY-TOWN.
41. What was I complaining about again?
42. Maybe I should ask my dad what hewould do if HE were martial arts Kanye.
43. Nevermind, my dad wasn’t alive in the age of cell phones. So that’s out.
44. I miss my dad. I should call him sometime.
45. Eh, I don’t think I’m going to respond. This sh*t just isn’t my cup of tea. It leaves a funny taste in my mouth.
46. Bye, martial arts Kanye. Bye, hypothetical love life I imagined for five minutes.
47. Maybein another lifetime, if I werent so afraid of commitment, Id have takenhim up on his offer to go out.
48. I just hope the gods don’t reincarnate me into a squirrel in my next life for being such a bitch.
49. Love, man. Love is a mother f*cker.
Best professor answer ever!
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I know how you feel buddy, I know how you feel.
I’ll read my texts when I want.
Like so many teenagers these days, Liz admits that she used text on her phone while she was driving. But one time, she wasn’t fast enough. She crashed while checking a text. Now, Liz’s life has become a nightmare. Liz and her mom have teamed up with the US Department of Transportation’s National Highway Traffic Safety Administration to make this eye opening video which has gone viral with over 2.3 million views. Please don’t text and drive.
I’m a fast texter. When I get a text, I respond almost automatically. Unless it’s a f*ckboy.
My phone has practically become another appendage. It’s soeasily accessible that I see my texts immediately. And sinceI ama very quick thinker and love the art of conversation, whenmy phone buzzes, it’s game-the-f*ck-on.
I absolutely love seeing those three little dots make their way onto my gold iPhone. Watching them go in and out excites me likea child waiting for a lollipop to be unwrapped. In fact, those three dots are my texting foreplay. Then, BUZZ — ahhh, the climax of the actual text. And thenit’s my turn to return the favor. It’s like a different form of phone sex.
And — also like sex —if I notice that someone (whether it’s a guy or a friend) isn’t“textually compatible,” I will slam that personwith the waving-goodbye emoji.I mean, hello, I sent you a text, not a f*cking carrier pigeon.
There are so many struggles that fast texterssufferon the regular:
The people we text think we’re always available. Um, excuse me — just becausewe text fast doesn’t mean we’re not busy. We’re just courteous enough to respond in a timely manner.
Why isn’t this person answering my text? Is he/she skydiving right now? That is the only acceptable excuse.