217. Law & Order: SVU

Law & Order: Special Victims Unit occupies a special place in every betch’s heart and Tuesday night schedule. We can’t remember that “really important thing” we promised to do today, but you bet your ass we know the opening monologue by heart and can recite it better than the Pledge of Allegiance.

In the criminal justice system, sexually based offenses are considered especially heinous. In New York City, the dedicated detectives who investigate these vicious felonies are members of an elite squad known as the Special Victims Unit. These are their stories. Dun-dun. Or is it dink-dink? Dum-dum? Whatever, moving on.

It’s important to note that not all Law & Orders are created equal. We didn’t fuck with Law & Order: Angry Vincent D’Onofrio or Law & Order: Snoozefest. SVU is special and the only thing we would marathon in which we'd ever partake. Props to Dick Wolf for making a career out of being a SAB: each week he reels us in until we’re hooked, entertains us for a solid hour, and then just when shit’s starting to get good he fades to black with EXECUTIVE PRODUCER DICK WOLF, leaving us wanting more. Oh and then he makes us wait an entire week to get it.

Any pre-law betch will agree, SVU taught us everything we know about the legal system. Like if a cop even tries to ask me what time it is I’m lawyering the fuck up, and no one’s allowed within 10 feet of my car, purse, or apartment without a warrant.

Plus, those “ripped from the headlines” episodes were the only reason we ever tried to keep up with current events. The best part was how they didn’t even try to be discreet or original about it. “College kids getting fucked up off Four Loko? Better have an episode where a college girl gets raped after drinking 5 Krazies.” “A famous Southern TV chef just caused major drama for being a huge racist? Let’s make an ep about a famous Southern TV chef who causes major drama for being a huge racist.” Talk about the writers not doing work; it was essentially just watching the news, with a few chokeholds and cheesy one-liners thrown in to make us obsessed with it.

Also this show taught us a lot of prime vocab words that’s super handy to throw into every day conversation, such as severe vaginal trauma and anal contusions and objection.

Finally, the SVU detectives are like the baggage-ridden, emotionally unstable group of besties we never had—well I mean aside from our actual besties. You don’t need a Buzzfeed quiz to tell you your favorite SVU detective says a lot about you.

Benson: You’re a boss ass betch with great hair and even better bone structure. Obvs the best part of a new season was discovering which trendy haircut Mariska Hartigay would try out. Somehow she managed to rock them all, even the infamous pixie cut of Season 3.

Stabler: You never take no for an answer, even if it puts you and everyone around you in jeopardy of losing your jobs and even your lives. So like, congrats.

Amaro: No one ever takes you seriously and you think it’s because you’re new, but really it’s because you’re too pretty.

Rollins: You’re the Southern betch trying to make it in the big city. Extra points if you have a real gambling addiction.

Munch: You’re the betch who’s so skeptical of technology she doesn’t even have Instagram, and like, what is Vine? You’d be most likely to post a political rant on Facebook, except you’re way skeptical of that, too.

Jeffries: She doesn't even go here! Get with the program.

Ice-T: You’re a bona fide hustler and probably came up from a hard past and did some things you’re not proud of, and we like totally respect that.

So thank you for everything, SVU. Now that you’re in your 14th season, you’ve officially been in a betch’s life way longer than any bro except for maybe our dads.

Read more: http://www.betcheslovethis.com/article/law-order-svu

New Girl Recap: Team Jessnicka

Holy fucking girl porn. Last night’s episode of “New Girl” totally made up for all the previous head-scratching episodes that have been boring as fuck (ex: Nick in the swimming pool, the one with Nick’s dad etc.).  In short, OMGBESTEPISODEEVER.

Nick steals his neighbor’s Inspector Gadget trench-coat after the package gets delivered to their apartment (we forgive the writers from stealing this storyline from the “Friends” cheesecake episode) and refuses to take it off because he thinks it makes him more outgoing. Turns out the trench-coat has magical powers because he actually manages to use his pathetic, 80 year-old, cranky ass charm at the bar to chat up a noticeably brunette Brooklyn Decker. Schmidt’s not happy because he can’t understand how a loser with a sob story wearing a woman’s coat could score Brooklyn’s attention. We agreed with Schmidt until we remembered she’s married to Andy Roddick, so gremlin looking men are clearly her type.

Winston brings nothing to the table as usual. He can’t manage to talk to any girls at the bar, which we totally buy because he sucks. He ends up chatting with the Asian psycho from the Social Network. She attempts to make him somewhat more interesting than the paper box Jess wears this episode. Jess is left at home because Nick realizes she’s his “cooler” AKA cockblock, which we would believe if Nick possessed any game whatsoever. Jess thinks someone’s breaking in and freaks out and obv calls her knight-in-shining-loser Nick to come rescue her and we’re like awww but immediately forget about it because Jess looks skinny in her bra. Everyone comes home and plays “True American: Clinton Edition”, or what appears to be the best game ever so Jess can help Nick get some and prove she’s not a cooler. I wish I could understand at least one rule because they make jumping on shit and getting fucked up look like a fucking blast.

Cece shows up with her British Indian man-friend and everyone joins in on harassing Nick & Jess to kiss as part of “True American.” Nick obviously drops the ball…only to make up for it in the best plot development to ever grace “New Girl” when Nick spontaneously grabs Jess in the hallway and pulls her in for a surprisingly non-nauseating and insanely adorable make out sesh and we were all like YES.  Nick sometimes sucks and Jess is annoying but together they’re the suckiest and most annoyingly charming couple…team Jessnicka.

Other Shining Moments:

Cece's date about Schmidt: “I’m sorry… you love that small, shiny man?”

Jess on being scared: “Seriously, I think it may be gang related. I’ve always been worried about my blue curtains…Crips.”

Schmidt on seducing Brooklyn: “Sometimes I urniate when the wind bows…::makes wind sound::…ce…ce…You know, I left something in the desert that day: my faith in true love and my biracial child”

Schmidt in True American: “It’s Abu Nazir!”

Read more: http://www.betcheslovethis.com/article/new-girl-recap-cooler

The Realistic Versions Of Your Favorite Cartoon Characters Will Haunt Your Dreams For All Of Eternity. So Creepy.

Have you ever loved a cartoon character so much that you wished they were real? Maybe you always wanted to grab a beer at Moe’s Tavern with Homer Simpson or make fun of music videos with Beavis and Butthead. Be careful what you wish for because according to the images below, it would be absolutely terrifying experience. Yikes!

1. Patrick Star, “Spongebob Squarepants”

2. Finn, “Adventure Time”

3. Dale Gribble, “King of the Hill”

4. Professor Farnsworth, “Futurama”

5. Homer Simpson, “The Simpsons

6. Stewie Griffin, “Family Guy”

7. Stan Smith, “American Dad”

8. Hans Moleman, “The Simpsons”

9. Beavis, “Beavis and Butt-head”

10. Butt-head, “Beavis and Butt-head”

11. Mr. Burns, “The Simpsons”

12. Peter Griffin, “Family Guy”

13. Fred Flinstone, “The Flinstones”

14. Shaggy Rogers, “Scooby-Doo”

15. Jessica Rabbit, “Who Framed Roger Rabbit?”

(via: Smosh) Great, now I have to watch hours and hours of these cartoons I love to get my fond memories back. Thanks a lot, Internet! Share this post using the button below.

Read more: http://viralnova.com/creepy-realistic-cartoon-characters/

Oh Hello, Shirtless Neville Longbottom

Harry Potter alum Matthew Lewis is starring in a new BBC Three dramedy called Bluestone 42. Sometimes his character has homoerotic dance parties.

View this image ›

BBC

Matthew Lewis has really grown up nicely, and he’s showing that off in his new role on Bluestone 42, a BBC Three dramedy following the lives of a bomb disposal detachment serving in Afghanistan.

Lewis joined the second season, currently airing in the U.K., as Corporal Gordon House, a butcher’s son who is good with his hands — and his hips, as you can see in a couple of drool-worthy GIFs from a recent episode.

OH!

BBC

 

MY!

BBC

 

GOD!

BBC

 

Anyone else want to enlist?

Warner Bros.

 

LINK

H/T My New Plaid Pants

Read more: http://buzzfeed.com/jarettwieselman/shirtless-neville-longbottom-matthew-lewis

Pretty Little Liars Recap: Merry MakesnosenseMas

What was the point of that episode? It was like, oh shit, we can’t make a Halloween episode because of some scheduling issues!? That’s chill, let’s keep this one (somewhat)-pertinent-to-plot convo scene with Ali and post-mortem-Mona and just like, fucking chuck it into a last minute Christmas episode. No one will notice that it makes no sense whatsoever, time wise or outfit wise. Well guess what PLL show runners, we noticed. WE FUCKING NOTICED. So much so that at one point I was like, wait, did Ali dream the Christmas party? I’m SO confused. Why are Mona and Ali reenacting Ghosts of Girlfriends Past?

So while Ali was having a heart to heart with Mona apparently about her new job in Heaven as a Mac makeup artist, the other girls were up to the usual. Breaking and entering in fabulous ball gowns.

But before we discuss fashion, we need to talk about this Christmas party. So this was, “Ali’s Party.” Why is this the most elegant party ever seen on television, like Kyle Richards white party wasn’t even as nice. Didn't they just go to a rodeo in the high school gym? Are we supposed to believe Ali threw that herself in like a month, while being A, grieving her mother’s death, dropping a few pounds, and supposedly being haunted by dead Mona. ALSO, why were there no adults there except inappropriate Detective Holbrook who dressed it down in his Santa 'stume and a wife beater? Wasn’t he a respectable good cop a week ago? Now he’s a bad cop who dresses like he loves his Mom tattoo and kills it with da ladies in his trailer.

Further more, how are these people so chill with partying after a girl in their grade was brutally murdered. Like Mona’s dead LETS TAKE SHOTS. Like no one’s even crying, Hanna barely cares, except that one special moment when she looked at a pic of her on her phone near the fireplace.

AND ANOTHER THING. Since when are we chill with Ezra like being part of the crew? Isn’t he still their English teacher? Don’t they stop and ask, dude why are you here? You’re our English teacher.

Other random shit I Had problems with / LOL moments

What was Hanna volunteering for when she wore an elf costume and threatened to kill an 8 year old. Was it really deserving a hug from Caleb after? Awww you’re such a good person, it was so cute how you told off that little girl.

Where are Spencer’s parents? In fact where are anyone’s parents!? MONA WAS JUST BRUTALLY MURDERED. BRUTALLY. ILL SAY IT AGAIN. BRUUUUTALLYYY. Like blood everywhere The Shining style. And Spencer is like out on bail yet, nah, everyone’s parents are just MIA. Not trying to check in.

Spencer: Toby, this may be my last Christmas. Do you want to do Santacon?

Ezra gets Aria fugly costume jewelry to apologize for potentially murdering and stalking her friends for the past 4 years.

Two words: Bruce’s Pantsuit

I don’t understand, did men at this holiday party get randomly assigned to Santa Suits?

I can’t keep track, is Jenna blind or not?

Spencer and Hanna make the intelligent decision to stay in their long ass evening gowns during their stealth break in. The one they do while Spencer is out on bail. 

Spencer is so concerned for Hanna that when she sees A is coming for her, she manages to have time to type quotes around A in her text message!

Also, A had a knife yet Hanna was left unharmed. Just fainted from a little sugar withdrawal. Further proving that this show will never hurt their main members and we are always left BORED AS FUCK.

Toby flashing his fucking flashlight across the house as if anyone knows he’s even there. GO HOME TOBY YOU’RE DRUNK.

Wow A, bone chilling. You decorated their very large, hard to reach, Christmas tree. That’s some scary shit right there. At least we know you’re tall, and have access to very high ladders. 

Omg the boyfriends + Paige in their sexy Christmas surprise. DIE. How did Toby get out of his wheelchair and into his Santa shorts on the stairs?

The Sort of Important Stuff

So way back when, they aired a Halloween episode with a weird flashback to where one twin like kills another twin. That was important we thought for the general A plot. Here the only important thing was Ali's weird Halloween-esque flashbacks when she was shown by way of Mona that Ali's mom bought 2 sets of dresses when she was young. Was one for Bethany Young? Or Cece Drake? Who's the father!? Who's the kid?! We're as confused as ever so this analysis isn't that helpful we're realizing now. WE were a little bit more clear in our last recap.

Read more: http://www.betcheslovethis.com/article/pretty-little-liars-recap-how-a-stole-christmas

5 Reasons We’ll Never Get Tired Of Rewatching ‘Gilmore Girls’

If you havent watched Gilmore Girls yet, do it now.

Its seriously one of the best TV shows of all time.

Recently, the Internet has become obsessed with the show’s comeback.

Not only is its entire series streaming on Netflix, but a reunion show is also in the works.

There areapparentlyeven set photos of said reunion.

Is anyone else as excited as I am?

I just finished my third round of rewatching all seven seasons, and I know it wont be mylast.

Sure, I know what to expect. Nothing surprises me anymore.

Ive memorized nearly every line of every banter between Lorelai and Rory so much that if I could save my life with it, I probably could.

Gilmore Girls is a feel-good sitcom complete with relatable drama, endless laughter, incredible pop culture references and more.

No matter where you are in life or how many times you watch this show, it will always take you back to a good place.

Here are a few reasons why youll never get tired of rewatching Gilmore Girls:

1. It will make you think about your relationship with your mother.

Are you and your mother more Rory and Lorelai or Lorelai and Emily?

Either way, the relationships between the women in the show (as well as all of the family relationships) will make you think about your own.

Some yearn for the mother-daughter relationship Lorelai and Rory built over movies and junk food, while others side with the structured mother-daughter relationship between Lorelai and Emily.

Youll get to experience everything.

You’ll see the trials of being a single mother like Lorelai, the struggles of being an overachiever whos afraid to disappoint the family like Rory and even the tribulations of being an overprotective (but unfiltered) mother like Emily.

Every side has its own story.

Through all seven seasons of Gilmore Girls, you get to live through each of these eccentric women, and sometimes, there are over-dramatic reactions and disappointing consequences.

Youll get to understand the meaning behind ones actions and begin to relate these situations to your own experiences.

So even if your mom is being as annoying as Emily, you know shes just trying to protect you because she loves you.


2. You will get your heart broken every time a Gilmore girl gets her heart broken.

When you watch Gilmore Girls from the beginning, you watch Rory grow into an experienced young woman in the world of dating.

You get frustrated as Lorelai goes from man to man and engagement to engagement.

(Ugh, why cant the woman just keep one?)

From Rorys first time saying, I love you to her first boyfriend Dean, to dating the flighty, inconsistent bad boy Jess, to moving in with the rich jet-setter Logan, you fall in love with each of these men the same way Rory does.

When Dean reminds you of your perfect first love, you begin to wonder why it never worked out with him.

After they broke up, got back together and broke up again, youre reminded of how fragile those times can be.

You begin to remember that teenage years feel like a lifetime, and young heartbreak never seems to heal.

Watching Rory cry it out and then find love again makesyou realize any of these guys may not have been the one for her.

From a viewers perspective, you begin to understand that your own heartbreak is not the end of the world.

You will find the right one eventually, or maybe hes always been there right in front of you.

(Lorelai and Luke FTW!)


3. You will be inspired to explore every pop culture reference.

There must be a Guinness World Record for a TV show with the most pop culture references, and it has to belong to Gilmore Girls.

Every single episode is filled with them, and most of the time, you may not even notice between all the hilarious babble.

Even some of the characters in the show rarely know what Lorelai and Rory are referencing.

Between Rorys black hole of a library and Lorelais obsession with film and TV, youll begin to gain curiosity into the books, movies and music the Gilmores live their lives by.

Youll be inspired to read every book Rory has had her head stuck in, and youll want to have a junk food movie marathon with every old movie Lorelai has hoarded in her home.

You can never say you dont have anything to watch because the Gilmore girls are overflowing with suggestions.

If you need one (or 500), just play one episode and youll be all set.


4. Youll get to live in a small town without living in a small town.

Stars Hollow is the town youve always wanted to live in and the town youll never want to live in at the same time.

As a New Yorker, Ive spent many hours admiring the starlit walks around the gazebo and the daily routine at Lukes Diner.

I looked forward to the shenanigans at Taylor Dooses town hall meetings, and Ive always wondered how long (rather, how short) it took to walk around the entire town.

Gilmore Girls created the eccentric world of Stars Hollow with characters we love to love and love to laugh at.

For viewers who live in cities like New York (or even on the West Coast), Stars Hollow is the perfect getaway.

Youll get to hear the towns marching bands and smell the aftermath of lost Easter Eggs.

Youll feel the claustrophobia in Mrs. Kims antique shop and taste the decadent preparations of Sookies dinner at the Dragonfly Inn.

Youll miss Stars Hollow as much as Rory does as she sets off to Yale.


5. The music alone will make you happy.

If I could have a theme song for my own life, it would be Carole Kings Where You Lead.

If youve ever watched Gilmore Girls at all, youve definitely sang along to that one.

Within the first five minutes of the show, Gilmore Girls has you smiling, dancing and singing along.

Throughout the show, the music perfectly transitions from scene to scene with similar upbeat melodies that give you a certain level of feels.

It was never complete without a few scores of what some fans like to call the la, las, the sound of simple guitar strings and soothing vocals of Sam Phillips.

Any Gilmore Girls fan knows what Im talking about.

If you dont, listen to this:

When there isnt appropriate background music varying from Elvis Costello to Macy Gray, you can always count on Stars Hollows town troubadour to provide a happy sing-along.

Between the theme song and shows scores, the music portrays the positive, exuberant, carefree personalities of Lorelai, Rory and the world they live in.

Now, go ahead and immerse yourself into the wonderful world of “Gilmore Girls.”

As the girls would say,

Youll laugh, youll cry… ‘Cause youre laughing so hard.

Read more: http://elitedaily.com/entertainment/rewatch-gilmore-girls-netflix/1343053/

It’s Not Even October 3rd And Aaron Samuels Is Back In Action

We hate to say this but: Dancing with the Stars is now a must watch. Ugh, that sentence makes us want to take an acid bath. Jonathan Bennett aka Aaron Samuels from Mean Girls will be a contestant this fall. The show pairs “celebrities” with professional dancers, has them learn to “dance”, and then lets America vote for the “best”.  It's written into his contract that his hair always has to be pushed back, because his hair looks sexy pushed back. Normally we reserve watching D list celebrities on reality television for the Real Housewives but DWTS just stepped up its game. We're starting a Kickstarter for Lindsay Lohan and Rachel McAdams to show up and stage a bitch fight during an episode. Thank you Aaron Samuels for being desperate enough to voluntarily humiliate yourself on national television, we can't wait to see you dance the Samba.

 

 

Read more: http://www.betcheslovethis.com/article/dancing-with-the-stars-jonathan-bennett-aaron-samuels

The Best After The Final Rose Ceremony Recap You’ll Ever Read

The After the Final Rose episode after The Bachelor finale was actually one of the most entertaining episodes I’ve ever seen. Usually the post finale reunion is basically a circle jerk with everyone telling each other how wonderful they are and giving bullshit proclamations about being in love.

Weirdly, this was the first time the tension between Chris Harrison and the bachelor was so thick that it made even the sappy pathetic middle-aged weirdos in the audience feel so uncomfortable they couldn’t make their usually exaggerated face gasps.

Clare

After much internal debate Clare’s therapist tells her it’s better if she doesn’t see Juan Pablo decides she didn’t want to see Juan Pablo.

It was so liberating. To stand there and be able to say ‘this is not ok’ was enough closure from me.” Clare’s little speech was actually not horrible and for the first time all season I didn’t hate her. Sure she definitely practiced her fake “I’m over it” monologue for the past four months but it’s like whatever.  #itsnotokay

I like how there’s no female villain this season, the villain was just Juan Pablo.

Juan Pablo

Juan Pablo's shout out to Venezuela was a good effort at trying to seem compassionate and worldly after treating 27 women like his concubines for 10 weeks.

With Clare we talked we didn’t talk. Some women got hurt. Some women didn’t.” – Deep thoughts by Juan Pablo. He’s literally talking in circles not saying anything.

Juan Pablo and Nikki

Nikki being super delusional: “No he hasn’t told me he loves me but like, he sent me like four dick pics so I think he’s into it.

Chris: You told one of our executives that you have a big surprise.
JP: Uh nope. No idea what you’re talking about. Unless the surprise is that I fucking hate you.

Chris: So how do you feel about her?
Juan Pablo: Uh Chris, shut the fuck up and stop trying to make me say I love her. I ALREADY TOLD YOU. I FEEL GREAT. I DON’T LOVE HER AND SHE’LL STILL FUCK ME AND SHE’S OK WITH IT.

Juan Pablo: Like I was saying before you interrupted me, asshole, I like being honest.

Chris and JP are just trying to annoy each other. Chris is trying to give a lesson in why you shouldn’t harass the host. NO ONE PUTS CHRIS HARRISON IN THE CORNER.

Juan Pablo is going out of his way to exaggerate the fact that he’s not going to say I love you to Nikki on the show just to annoy Chris. “I feel fantastic about this woman, she showed me her tits on Skype the other day.

Chris Harrison: Welcome back where Nikki and Juan Pablo are engaged and in love!  – Wow I haven’t seen Chris Harrison involved in a dick-measuring contest with someone like this before.

JP just keeps looking at Nikki’s boobs “we have plans.” Yeah you have plans with her boobs later.

Catherine and Sean prove to be loyal Bachelor hostages contestants, defending the show at all costs. Catherine tells Juan Pablo not to bite the hand that fed him. This man doesn’t know what the word default means I’m sure he’s going to understand that idiom. Catherine actually was thinking “Don’t talk shit about The Bachelor. They paid for my wedding and if they’re going to pay for our second honeymoon vow renewals in 3 years the ratings need to stay high.

Chris Harrison is going to lose it and is ready to put a gun to Juan Pablo’s head if he doesn’t say he fell in love. I bet Chris gets a bonus if he can get him to say it live. “I would like to say you two are in love but it’s awkward because you can’t have a conversation.

This awkward exchange:
Chris: Do you have any plans?
JP: Yes. We have plans.
Chris: What are they?
JP: We have plans. I’m taking her to Red Lobster sometime this month.

I don’t like talking much about my private things,” says the guy who goes on the Bachelor.

Juan Pablo learned a new English phrase over the past four months: “It’s fine”

I sort of agree that he shouldn’t say that he loves her on television just for ratings. I also feel like Chris Harrison could’ve made Juan Pablo look way worse if he brought up the fact that he was saying sexually explicit shit to Clare less than a week before picking Nikki or maybe the fact that he TOLD CLARE HE WAS GOING TO PICK HER AND THEN DIDN’T may have helped with getting America on board the Juan Pablo hate train. Not that help was really needed.

Sean, way to make Nikki feel like shit: “I mean I obviously love Catherine and couldn’t wait to tell her but like I guess Juan Pablo could still sort of be into you if he didn’t say it but probably not.” 

I can see Juan Pablo locking Nikki in his basement.

Nikki is insanely delusional and should clearly dump a man who doesn’t love her back after she’s been with him for six months. Awkward that everyone hates her boyfriend who doesn't even like her that much.

Andi

“I’m not going to lie I’m okay moving on.” – Chris Harrison makes sure he gets the last word in. Thick tension!

New unsurprising bachelorette Andi #ilovemyjob

Chris is being soooo passive aggressive “feel free to express your emotions at any time during the show because people are going to want to go through this journey with you and if you fall in love don’t be afraid to say how you feel.”

LOL Andi prosecutes anything “gang related.” “It’s really a position we are in the trenches. It’s just like, welcome to the gang.” Andi, Sean, and Chris Harrison are probably about to go find some gang members to beat the shit out of Juan Pablo after the show. 

People who say “I can be engaged by summer!” are not ready to find a husband.

Read the Bachelor Finale Recap Here >>

Read more: http://www.betcheslovethis.com/article/bachelor-recap-juan-pablo-after-the-final-rose

Bethenny Frankel Is Coming Back To RHONY

Bethenny Frankel is taking a break from divorcing Jason Hoppy and being the thinnest woman over 40 in New York to return to the show that started it all, The Real Housewives of New York. On her return to the show Bethenny says “When I went onto Housewives when I was younger, I didn't have family, I didn't have a business, I didn't have partners,” Ugh, there better be some better drama then that shit. Whatevs, I will def tune in anyway but seriously, when the fuck are they bringing back Jill Zarin? I guess a lot has changed since this video from April, 2014. Good luck with getting back into your traumatic Vietnam-like experience, B. 

 

 

Read more: http://www.betcheslovethis.com/article/bethenny-frankel-is-coming-back-to-rhony